Writers block

Dreams.

I just want to start this with... what a relief it was to express how I felt writing this! To put what I felt was true.. without needing to explain a back story because that's too much stress to relive and open up to rn. If anyone reading this understands what it's like to hit rock bottom or is currently in what they feel is rock bottom just know... you can fight your demons.. don't let them ruin you like I almost allowed them to. Because they're just a nightmare that you will wake and thank god it's just a dream that you won't ever have to sleep and see again. You just have to be strong and be patient... don't let them win whoever they are to you. Because you have you at the end of they day. They can't make you do anything you don't want to do.
Now enjoy...
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I still look at my world, my life as if it's all just in my dreams and that one day when I wake up it would all just be one crazy dream.
That my bad days were just nightmares. And that my terrible days were just sleep paralysis. And my good dreams were just me enjoying my imagination.
The people I dealt with on my bad days were just the monsters in my nightmare.

One day I just wish I could wake up from my reality and get ready for the "real" world. I wait for the morning I'd actually wake up from all these dreams and wipe away the tears I'd have that have been waiting to be released from the trauma I had gone under experiencing day by day.

Sometimes I use to think the nights is get high with my friends or just by myself was a different world that only I and others around me feeling the same sensations would see the world we live in. I don't smoke anymore the world I saw was too depressing and full of hate. Sad part was only I was able to see that. I guess I was doing it wrong because everyone around me saw the world as beautiful..

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You ever wake up one day and look around you, look at your self. And I mean Really look at yourself and say enough is enough? You ever get up and tell yourself that today is going to be better than yesterday? Ever think to yourself that the people who hate and pray on your failures aren't the ones that are actually there for you, and never were from the start... so why should you care?
Why allow someone who is so caught up in their own mistakes and the past that they can't let go of effect what you've become without them? Why give them the satisfaction of you failing or being hurt? Or wanting to commit or even choosing to commit? You can't let them win. God (whether he or she, it or they are to you).. created you for a reason and specifically gave a time and place for you to stand and be gone by. Why allow something that god did not create for you ruin your life because they want to win and see you vanish?

There's a time and a place for you to say enough is enough and move on. I myself moved on a long time ago while the demons around me still try to feed on my failures. Jokes on you. I'm still winning. The first fight I won was not feeding into the hateful things you said about me before and after I had a miscarriage. The second battle I won was not killing myself last summer and the winter following, because I learned that the world will keep going and I know at the end of the day you would be the one to blame. You alone would have won the mental battle within my head and I was not going to let you win something that wasn't about you to begin with.
I've told myself time and time again I wouldn't write about you because I wouldn't know where to begin to start after the 180 degree year I had for myself. I wouldn't know how to explain the serious mental state you had me in. It took me some time;  nearly a year later and here I am. Moving on better, being a bit more careless, you alone do not effect me in anyway possible. You alone are nothing but air and space. You alone are now an excuse of carbon. No I don't hate you, that's a waste of time and energy I do not have to giver someone like you. I'd prefer to say I highly dislike you..
I've grown to move on and look at your hateful words and threats as inspiration to motivate myself to become someone you cannot recognize. Because when I think back and look at you I cannot see the person I use to call my friend. That vision has faded away. I don't remember the good times we had because I blocked it all out and you ruined it with the overwhelming hate you have for me. For me to ever look back upon and say I could have a civil conversation is false because I've grown up mentally and you stayed playing childish games. I'm nearly 21 and you're still coming at a 20 year old over shit that happened when we were in high school. You were probably the worse dream I ever could imagine. And I'm happy to say that you will never be in my life again. Or in any of my friends life again to leave your marks of hate behind.

As for me and my ex; your boyfriend... we are on good terms and can talk about everything and move forward and have good conversations about life and what plan we to have. At least I can say some one in that relationship has grown up and shows it.