Speaking In Silence [Book 2]

2

My mind was dark. Everything was dark and my vision was blurry. Where was I? I didn't know. All I knew was I'd made a mistake. It wasn't the first time and it wouldn't be the last. The man next to me was unrecognizable and the room around me was as well. This was a normal Sunday morning occurrence for me.

The space was dark but there was a lamp  in the corner of the room which was light enough to realize I wasn't in my own flat. The man I was in bed with had a dark beard and rugged features, not my usual pick. I usually chose guys who reminded me of Killian, which did more damage to me than anything. The need I still felt for him made me possessive and controlling.
I changed after everything happened and I was now callous and snappy. I understood that, but I was just so... so angry. Angry at myself for leaving, and for not being there for him when I knew he was in so much pain.

I tried to slide from the bed silently but when I tried to sit up, the man pulled me to him and I waited till he fell back asleep. I finally got out of the bed and went on a search for my clothes, which were strewn haphazardly across the room and my shoes were nowhere to be found.
After I dressed myself, I search the other rooms and found my shoes -which were shoved under a sofa- and left.

My truck was parked crooked in the complex's lot. It was not uncommon for me to drive while intoxicated but typically I hailed a driver and paid for the ride.
I never felt bad for the men I slept with and many of them wanted to re-up with me from time to time but I never called back. It was a dangerous game I was playing but until Killian was freed I didn't think I'd ever stop.

-

"God damnit!" My rage boiled as when couldn't fit my key into my apartment's door. I only had the one on my key ring and it wouldn't go inside. I aggressively moved it around and eventually I got so frustrated that the key broke inside the lock.
I flung the rest of it into the door and slumped against it. I just wanted to sleep but the world was out to get me. I know blaming all my problems on the world was shitty, but hey, why did I care?

"Need some help?" The janitor of the complex walked by and noticed me on the floor.

"Uh, the key broke off" I tried to keep my words short but amicable enough to not be a total ass.
The man fumbled around with the handle before opening it up and letting me inside. I tipped my head to him and grabbed the spare from my junk drawer.
I had calmed down a little now and really needed to sleep. It was only six forty-eight in the morning and clearly I had been up late the previous night. I was fried and could hardly focus on anything. I sighed, stumbling to my room and slamming the door.

Sleep was a godsend. It was the only thing that made me feel better other than the alcohol. I desperately wished to not wake up but I always did. My body wouldn't let me off myself and neither did my brain, every time I got close it just stopped me.
Days went by without me leaving my room. One of my professors emailed me asking about my absences and I couldn't even write an email back. I was just falling deeper  and deeper into depression.
My family stopped trying to call me and my friends didn't talk to me anymore. They all warned me that the more I locked myself away, the worse it would get. If I wasn't sleeping, I was drinking, and if I wasn't drinking, I was having sex.

-

It was about time for me to go out again and find someone since I was feeling quite amorous. I collected all my energy and got myself dressed for the night. The light hurt my eyes when I turned it on and it took a moment to adjust. I hadn't eaten in days, or even left my room so I was feeling a little sick.
I put together a simple ensemble that I knew would still get me what I wanted. To be honest I could probably wear anything and still make it through the end of the night, but my blue jeans and jacket would have to do.

I headed out to a tavern a mile or two from my flat and set up at the middle of the bar. A few chicks hit on me but I dismissed them, I was looking for something specific and I found it. He was shorter than me, blonde, and about 25 from the looks of him. He wore thick white-framed glasses and a navy cardigan. He was as exactly what I wanted.
I made my way over to where he was with his friends to strike up a conversation. He seemed intrigued and kept it going for a while so I bought his friends another round... and another. I needed to make sure he was intoxicated at least slightly or I wouldn't get my way.

His name was Seth. He seemed to be on the same page I was. I invited him to mine and drove us over while I remained sober. I wanted to test something.

Was it the alcohol that made me cold, or was it the boy I had loved so much?

-

Seth was different than the others. He wasn't as awkward, and seemed to be more comfortable with me taking control.
Soon after arriving at my flat, he had already initiated the night's events. I was glad that I didn't have to deal with small talk before getting into it. However, he let me lead and didn't mind when I pinned him to the wall with his hands above his head. I did all the work and he let me do it, but there was something missing.
I got frustrated with him, even though he was doing exactly what I thought I had wanted. I sighed and pushed myself off of him, laying back on the bed, huffing in frustration.

"Did I do something wrong?" A bit of uneasiness was in his voice and it made me even more upset.

"No, I... just get out" I wasn't going to explain myself to him and I definitely wasn't going to keep him around.
Seth didn't leave, however, he sat next to me in an attempt at comfort.

"I said get the fuck out!" I raised my voice and sat up, wondering why he sat there smiling like an idiot. I stood up and took him by the collar, pulling him up to eye level and stared into his eyes. I then threw him towards the door and watched him scramble out.