as the way comes

Chapter 20

I thought and thought about what it was I could do, but I was not motivated to do anything. I just wanted to sleep — to escape life. Unfortunately, though, sleep has been a struggle for me. Maybe it was the lost kidney, I don't know. But sleep was off the table.

So, I cried. And I cried. And I cried. And I cried. Eventually, though, there were no more tears to shed. My sadness turned into loneliness, and, eventually, I realized I needed to talk to someone — anyone — about my pain.

It took another week for me to step out of my house, but eventually I managed enough confidence to step into the gym...and step out 5 seconds later. I wasn't ready.

"No," I told myself, as I heard the clinging of the wind chimes as I closed the front door behind me. "I have to do this."

I turned back around, walked to the lady at the front, showed her my gym ID, and walked up the stairs to the treadmill room. Normally, I'd lift some weights, but I wasn't feeling that motivated. I looked at the treadmills parallel to each other on the striped blue carpeted floor that sat beneath them. I stepped on one of the treadmills, set the speed, put on my earbuds and began running.

Now, I never actually listened to music. I had earbuds for the sole purpose of pretending to make phone calls to people. It was genius. No one would ever know I wasn't talking to anyone. I would pretend to have an argument but speak just quiet enough as to not draw in attention. So, I began running.

"No, that doesn't make sense! Why would you—"

I would pause to hear the imaginary response.

A little louder. "No! Stop it. That's not even true. Don't tell me those lies. Both you and I know it!"

A Pause.

Still louder. "Okay, you know what? Screw you!"

Brief pause.

"Don't call me again. Lose this number." That was too loud.

I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Um, could you please quiet down." A soft voice spoke. Startled, I turned around.

"Uhhhh," I started sweating and rubbing my neck.

She looked familiar. "I'm sorry," she anxiously muttered. "Didn't mean to disturb you."

"Oh, this?" I pointed to my left earbud, which remained in my ear. "I'm not actually on the phone. I'm just pretending to call someone." I don't know why I said that. Despite my anxiety, she seemed easy to talk to.

She laughed. "Haha."

"I know that's weird."

"Oh, no." She smiled. "I actually do the same thing."

There was a long pause as we both awkwardly stared at each other.

"So, do you go to school?" I blurted out.

"Uh, no, actually I don't. You?"

"No, I don't do anything."

I felt a certain tension between us. An awkwardness so intense yet relaxing at the same time. I felt uncomfortable, but I was eager to change that. Fuck minimum effort.

"Hey!" I attempted a confident tone. "I know I don't know you and you don't know me, but do you want to, like, do something. I could really use it."

"Uhhhh, sure." She said, hesitantly.

"Let's go!"

"Right now?"

"Yeah, why not?"

"I guess I could use more human connection than just saying 'Hi' to the person at the counter."

"Want to go get ice cream?" I asked. I felt a sudden surge of energy and motivation run through my body.

"Sure. I wasn't doing anything here anyways."