as the way comes

Chapter 18

I don't remember exactly what had happened, but I remember somehow hearing on the news that Tabetha, or Ashley, was dead. Apparently, she had overdosed on...something. I don't remember. Was it Wallykazoo? I thought she said, 'Other drugs were flawed' or something. Whatever. When I heard the news, the memories came flooding back. I felt so much guilt. I could've helped her. I...this was my fault. I could have helped her. I could have stopped her. The feelings consumed me. The fact that I had received an invitation for the funeral only made things worse. I couldn't do this...not again. When my parents died, I couldn't even sit through the whole funeral. I simply couldn't do it. I was 12, so I wasn't old, but I was old enough to process what had happened. I was old enough to understand the permanence of death. I was old enough to realize I was never going to see them again. And, now, hearing this news, I realized the same thing. The existential pain of life hit me hard. We're all going to die one day. And what did I have? I had no one. I had nothing. I wasn't really happy. I was just distracting myself from my feelings. That was all.

I am lonely. Oh, so lonely. I tried to forget about it. I really tried. I tried the usual things. Naps, television, video games, food...nothing. None of it worked. Big surprise. Then I received the funeral invitation and that's what really got me. Firstly, I almost never got any mail outside of bills and the occasional, "Hey open up a credit card with us and we'll definitely not fuck you over with unpayable debts." So, opening that single card sealed in a light blue envelope really got to me. I even somehow knew what it was before opening it. Why, simply grabbing the only commodity from the mailbox was enough to stress me out. Then sadness took over. My tears turned into an unsteady river pouring out of my eyes. As I was crying, I realized I couldn't even manage to cry at my parents' funeral. How messed up is that?

In any case, I felt obligated to attend the funeral, even if I didn't want to. It was the least I could do, not that she cared. After all, at this point, she's dead. Be it my fault or not, it's not like she was watching. I mean, come on. I don't really have to go. I don't know anyone that they could judge me for skipping a funeral. Plus, having attended a funeral before, it's like you've already been to all of them. And I haven't been to one funeral, but two! So, why go to a third? Sure, maybe I was responsible for Ashley's

death – no, I was responsible for her death. But going isn't going to bring her back. It's not going to bring me any peace. I can just cry here, alone, and it'll be fine.

But it was not fine. And I spent the rest of whatever was left of the day sitting at home, crying.

I'm useless. So useless. What...what's the point in even living? Like there she was one day, the next, gone. I could...I could die tomorrow. Hell, I could die right now. Honestly, I should die. Like, I'm not doing anything with my life. I'm not helping anyone. I'm useless...nothing. I could've helped her, but no, I just had to walk away. Like I walk away from everything.

Here you are, sitting in your room like you always do. No one's here because no one cares. I mean, just don't go to the funeral. Who cares? They probably don't want you there anyways. Why? You put the minimum effort, again! And she's dead because of you. It's your fault. I mean, what are you doing? She's the reason you can even live on your own. Let's be real, without that money she gave you, you would absolutely still be living with your uncle and aunt. You'd have nothing and be nothing. The only reason you're a little better is because you improved yourself, and that would have never happened if she was never in your life. Never! And, you know what? You're not going to go to the funeral. You know why? Because it won't change anything. You're a piece of shit either way.

My mind went on a loop with these thoughts for hours. I went to bed and tried sleeping to cast out my thoughts, but it was to no avail. The thoughts only strengthened themselves. Eventually, I gave up and I just lied there and accepted the psychological attack.