The Act

10 feelings

I love all versions of Oli

Today was.. weird.

As I sit cross legged on my floor in front of my mirror I make eye contact with myself. Can you see gay? I look intensely at my eyes and face.

It doesn't make sense.. being gay is not want I want. My parents said that it's bad, unhealthy, unnatural, dangerous, hurts, and so much more bad things and no good things.

I don't want to be gay..

I want to say I can't be gay but when I think about it I feel like I might be and can't help it.

The facts: I've checked out guy before, I'm not attracted to girls, Oliver turned me on today, I've been catching myself thinking about him, and I feel like I'm to submissive to be with a girl.

Those are all signs of being gay..

I don't understand why I can't like girls. Believe me I tried but I ended up crying in front of a naked girl because she was touching me. That was the end of our relationship. I'm glad it ended, she was nothing but annoying.

After a while of looking at myself trying to figure myself out I sigh. Lot of people are gay, maybe my parents are wrong? When my phone starts ringing I answer it without looking and put it to my ear.

"Hello?" I say softly.

Softly? Why didn't I answer it rudely? I'm just tired of always being mad or sad, I'm just in thought right now.

"Hey, kellin?" A thick British accent asks sounding confused. Does he not think its me?

"Yea.. what's up?" I ask not changing my tone.

"Oh, I thought your sister answered for a second there, um.. but I wanted to talk to you about today," he says and I think about it for a second.

"Okay, what about?" I say standing up and looking at my body. I'm only wearing sweatpants right now.

"Well, can I come over? I want to talk to you in person," he says and I blush for some reason.

"Um.." I mumble looking around my room. "Okay, I guess.. I'm to lazy to leave my room so you have to let yourself in and come here," I say biting my lip after I say this.

"Okay, I'll see you soon," he says and I nod slowly.

"Yeah bye.." I say gently.

"Are you okay?" He asks seeming worried.

"Oh, yeah. I'm just-? I don't know but I'm okay.. bye," I say and hang up. I sigh putting it down softly. 

Having bipolar is really difficult. I'm either too happy, too sad, or it shifts for no reason.  I'm in a rare mood right now. I feel calm and peaceful. 

I crawl into my soft bed and close my eyes. I'm not going to fall asleep or even stay on this bed for long. I need to put underwear on under theses and put on a shirt.

"Kells?" I hear pulling me out of my sleep... wait? I fell asleep? I sit up and look at Oliver sleepily. 

"Oh shit, I'm sorry," I say getting up.

"Theres nothing to be sorry about," he says and sits down next to me. I was about to get up and put a shirt on but he's looking at me in a way that I don't want to leave.

The idea of being gay pops up again and I look at his lips for a second and then away. Fuck.. why do I want to kiss him?

"So about today? What did you want to talk about?" I say softly, looking at him again.

He looks at my neck and sets his hand on my knee. "Um.. well I had to make sure I didn't leave bruises and wanted to ask you if I did okay on that scene. Should I tackle you softer or-" I giggle at him because he seems genuinely concerned.

"I'm fine, and you should probably tackle me harder. It is a scene where you supposedly kill me," I say wrapping the blanket around me so he doesn't have to see me half naked.

"Okay, well theres a few more things I want to ask and talk about," he says and I blush hoping he's not going to bring up the choking..

"Are you gay? Like I know you say you're not but I heard a bit of what you're mom was saying.  You aren't forcing yourself not to be yourself are you?" He says making me panic a little inside but then it goes away when I lay down.

I look at the ceiling and pout a little. "That question should be easy.." I mumble and I feel his eyes on me. He moves and gets beside me.

"Whys that, love?" He says and I look at him for a moment.

Why am I going to open up to him about this?

"I'm not sure anymore.. things keep confusing me," I say almost pouting. I don't want to confirm my parents are the ones telling me being gay is bad so I don't.

"Can I help you?" He asks touching my hand a little with his. Help me?

"How?" I ask now looking at him as I lay.

"Well you said its confusing. How about I do something that might clear everything up?" He says and I think for a moment.

What? Show me gay porn or something like that? I guess I could just stop whatever it is if I dont like it. I don't think he'd do anything to bad.

"Sure," I say not knowing what I'm getting myself into.