The Act

12 pissed off

When I wake up I feel warm but I don't want to wake up. I want to sleep. Forever. 

I want to stay right here in my bed against this warm pillow. This doesn't feel like a pillow..? I open my eyes and see Oli. He's awake looking at me already.

I pull away and get out of bed quickly. I grab my phone and rush into my bathroom and lock myself in it. I want to hurt myself. I'm gay.. I'm disgusting...

I grab my medicine bottles and get one out of each of them until I have three different pills in my hand. I put them in my mouth and drink water out of a water bottle.

Tears brimming to my eyes let me know I'm going to have a bad day. I wipe my eyes and cover my sadness with anger.

I leave the bathroom to see Oliver sitting on the edge of my bed now looking at me. "I don't like you. Last night I was just confused. I'm straight and that's the truth. I'm going to take a shower I don't care if you leave or stay," I say as I grab a outfit out and quickly retreat to the bathroom before he can respond.

I turn on my shower on the hottest setting and take of my sweatpants before getting in. It hurts and I flinch but I stay under the hot water trying to warm my cold soul up.

I fucking hate my life. Why can't I be okay with being gay? I'm not okay with it so I refuse to let myself be gay.

After a painful shower and lots of crying I turn of the water and dry myself off and compose myself as I put my clothes on. My reflection makes me frown.

I pull my shirt and observe the hickeys he left on me. I close my eyes tightly feeling the anxious scratching it's way through my chest trying to get to my brain.

I'm shaking and I feel on edge.

I'm feeling a lot of emotions but they are all bad emotions. I come out of my bathroom and see the room is empty and my bed is made.

Good I'm alone.

Alone...

I'm always going to be so fucking lonely. Tears slide down my face and I ignore it and get out of my room to go into the kitchen. I'm not hungry but I don't eat much yesterday.

I walk into my kitchen and as soon as I see Oliver I turn around and walk out. I wipe my tears away and go into the living room and start putting my shoes on.

Once they are on I sit on my couch and lay down and close my eyes. When I hear him walk in I frown and sit up when I see him bringing me a food. He puts a plate of pancakes and bacon on my coffee table in front on me and sits on a recliner with his plate.

"If it matters I'll replace the food I cooked next time I go grocery shopping," he says and I just look at the food.

I have no appetite..

It looks good but I don't want to eat it. "It doesn't matter.." I say and pick up a piece of bacon. I look at it for a second and then take a bit out of it.

It tastes good but I don't want to eat more. I put it down and sigh. "Fucking food," I mumble getting up and leaving and going back to my room.

-

It's almost time for practice. I get off my bed and go to the living room to see Oliver reading a book. He probably got that from my bookshelf. He looks up at me and I roll my eyes.

"Let's go," I say grabbing my keys.

"But you didn't eat?" He says and I shrug.  He follows me out of my house and I go to my car. He goes to his still looking at me.

I glare at him and get in my car.

-

Throughout practice I'm rude to everyone and ignore everyone. The only time I'm not ignoring people or being snarky is when I'm acting.

I'm a great actor; the happy scenes I nail perfectly even though I'm pissed of the whole time.

Danny, an actor who pisses me off on purpose all the time; comes up to me. "Heh, is that a hickey? I bet it's from a guy because you're a fucking faggot-" he starts but my fist collides with his mouth and he stumbles back.

"Don't fucking talk to me," I say and leave angrily.  When I turn a corner I run into Oli. Literally. I stumbled back and glare at him.

"Oh you're hands bleeding-" he starts.

"Get the fuck away from me," I say and quickly get away from him even though I told him too. We are on a ten minute break so I just need to be alone.

I end up outside in the cold. I lay on the parking lot and look at the sky. They sky seems so bright and happy. Why can't I be like that? Why and I broken and so horrible all the time?

Why am I so weird? I'm laying in a parking lot at 1pm, I could get ran over. I want to be ran over.

After five or so minutes later I feel the tiniest bit better and go back so I can do some more scenes. I want to go home.. just 3 more hours..