Not Me, Maddie

Chapter Seventeen

Despite everything, I never forget my commitments. During the day, I attend my class. I study hard. I don't stop studying until the sun hides. During the night, I go to my new condo in Makati. Near his house.

It's funny nga eh kasi no matter how busy my friends are, they still manage to go visit me at my house. Duncan's squad, my girl squad, my parents, Ate Yannie. They always visit me.

And they always witness how miserable I am.

I'm such a loser. I don't even know why is this happening all of a sudden. I don't even know why he suddenly quit me. I don't know. And I'm dying to know.

"Please, stop crying na, Maddie. It pains us to see you like that." oh, kasama ko nga pala ang best friends ko.

"How do I stop crying when this is all that I can do to at least ease this feeling?" I pointed at my heart. "This... I dreamed about this."

"She told me she was tired." I laughed. "So now, I'm letting her rest. Now, it's my eyes doing the work."

Oura was crying. Yvan looked hurt.

"I'm letting my heart rest just so I could fight again with all my heart. Just so I could still love him even if it kills me." I emptied my bottle of beer and threw it on the high wall of this rooftop.

"This feels good, huh?" I said. I threw another glass and another and another until maubos ko lahat ng empty bottles na nasa floor.

I screamed on top of my lungs.

"Fuck you, Damon! Fuck you to your bones!" I cried harder when I felt my friends hug me from behind. They were both crying. They really love me.

"Is it okay to feel this hurt?" I asked. They didn't answer me. They just begged me to come home and rest.

"Do you guys know what's frustrating? It's when your heart is full of questions that they don't plan to answer. Puro bakit. Bakit. Bakit. Nakakabaliw sa dami ng bakit pero ni isa, wala akong makuhang sagot. Wala akong makuhang dahilan." I sobbed.

"I'm desperate to hear kahit isang reason lang. Kahit ano, papaniwalaan ko. 'Wag niya lang sabihing hindi niya ako mahal kasi alam ko, naramdaman ko, at sinabi niya sa akin."

Kinabukasan, maaga pa rin akong nagising kahit sobrang sakit ng ulo ko. It's been a month since he left, but even until now, excited pa rin akong pumasok tuwing Monday. Kahit tapos na ang finals at almost bakasyon na. Araw araw akong naghihintay sa loob at labas ng Love Cafe. Baka makita ko siya.

Nabawasan ang nambabash sa akin. Konti na lang ang nagsasabing deserve ko raw maiwan dahil ambisyosa raw ako. Right. Siguro nga, ambisyosa ako para isiping mahal niya rin ako. Siguro nga, ambisyosa ako for thinking na he would end up with me. Turned out magaling lang pala siyang maglaro. Palagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko 'yan para mabawasan kahit papaano ang frustration ko. Kasi kung iisipin kong mahal niya ako, magtatanong na naman ako nang magtatanong... Bakit niya nagawa sa akin 'to?

The hatred of the people was replaced by pity. And I hate it. I prefer them calling me names, I prefer them making false stories about me, I prefer them hating me rather than always letting me know how pathetic I am.

Madison Loser.

I may be hurt but I'm still Madison, and I'm never gonna change just because of one person when there's a lot of people who love me since day 1. Ganito talaga, sa araw kapag nasa harap nila ako, I act normal. Just like the usual. Pero tuwing gabi? Saka ko lang nilalabas lahat ng sakit. Pero kahit iwasan kong makita nila akong nasasaktan kasi alam kong masasaktan din sila, wala eh, tuwing gabi, sabay sabay rin kaming umiiyak. Sabay sabay silang nagagalit para sa akin. And I hate it.