The Mishaps and Misfortunes of a Mann

Chapter 12: The Tall Two Timer Continued...

Every day I saw this boy. We were in the same tutor group which made it very hard not to think about him. There he would sit across from me while we all discussed meaningless things and the room would fall away as I sat there imagining the things we could do if we were the only ones in the room. And then there were the moments when he saw me looking at him and our eyes would lock for a split second, the feelings still lingering even after.

Months passed, we continued to text every day and my feelings kept getting stronger. I remember I kept hearing people talk about him and his girlfriend and how they were such a strong couple. On the inside I was laughing, laughing at how no one knew of his confusion or my feelings. But I could never tell anyone because of how bad I felt about everything. Instead I wrote some of my feelings down because I had no one really to tell them to. It felt kind of stupid at first writing down things and questions that would never be answered but I did it anyway...

I can't go on wondering if I'm good enough. If I'm the second choice, or by some miracle I could be the first. I feel like a terrible person. I hate myself for being in this situation. What can I do? Just sit here letting other people make decisions for me. I know that it's my fault, I should have made my feelings clear from the beginning. I should have believed that it was possible for him to feel the same way. I have to be strong, I can't let it control or ruin me.

Well I wish I took my own advice sooner, because if I'm honest, I did let it control me. All of my thoughts were somehow bombarded with the image of him.

That December, me and my family went to the beach, so of course there were many bikini photoshoots! Well I saw this as my opportunity to do the whole; "so which photo do you think I should post?" and literally send him the 3 best ones out of 100 terrible or wrong angled ones! I swear I can't be the only one who as done that. I mean no one is just gonna be like; "here's a photo of me in a bikini, I hope you're seeing what you're missing out on." I knew it was wrong, I did, but I just wanted to make him see. I wasn't confident in my body at all, I'm still not now, but somehow he made me feel beautiful. I know it's sad and messed up but getting validation from someone you really like somehow makes you see yourself differently. Slightly less ugly.

My old school used to do this thing on Valentine's day, that you could send people roses and chocolates or pay extra to have people serenade your significant other and sing to them. A couple of days after my birthday we were going on a geography trip and we were waiting in the car park to leave, when the TTT's girlfriend came to say goodbye and suddenly a group of people burst into song singing 'Just the way you are.' It was honestly like all those romcoms, watching her being serenaded when all I wanted was for it to be me. And then they kissed, and I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach, but hey, they say I'm a good actress and I did my best to smile and clap along with everyone else. There were so many times that I should have given up but I didn't. it was like I was determined to break my own heart.

So the geo trip, there were only a small group of us, about 15, so when we weren't working we spent time together 'bonding' if you will. So guess what, yup there was another game of truth or dare and never have I ever. And again, as all truth or dare ends, people were dared to make out or just simply kiss. Of course no one was going to dare TTT to kiss anyone because of his girlfriend, but I just kept thinking about it, trying to will it into reality. I ended up having to kiss this other guy, who might I add crushed on me for a while! It was there in the gloom that I just wanted to get up, go over to him, grab his hand and walk into the darkness where no one would ever know what happened. It was the first time that my morals began to falter even more, and for a moment I didn't care that he had a girlfriend, I just wanted to kiss him, I wanted to feel his hands around my waist and in my hair. Of course it didn't happen. Like most situations with this boy, it only occurred deep inside my mind.

About a month after the trip my family was going through a hard time, and we had to move out of our house really quickly and it was all very messy and emotional. It wasn't something that we were supposed to talk too much about or something that I liked to discuss but I always felt like I could confide in him for some reason. Now when I look back at it, he was privileged to be someone that I shared these things with, and he abused that.

Every day we texted, and yes now that I think about it, it really was something that could only blossom in my imagination when we were barely able to talk to each other in real life because his girlfriend already hated me. This made me question his intentions, which I did express to him. He told me that he wanted to meet up with me so that this could show that he was serious about the way he felt. And by doing this I would know he wasn't stringing me on. This was the first time that I told my sister about mine and his feelings because I was going out of my mind not knowing what to do. Of course I knew that meeting him was a bad idea and she confirmed this because lord only knows what could have happened if we were alone together in a place where no one knew us or the circumstance of our meeting. One thing I did learn from the situation was that there is a fine line between sticking to your morals and following your heart. It was like the longer I couldn't have him, the more I wanted him, the desire building up more and more.

Exams were looming so we were all out of school quite a lot studying, but honestly every time I was alone in my room with my thoughts, everything would suddenly turn to him. I was so distracted; he was a distraction I couldn't get rid of, that I didn't want to get rid of. The worst part was that I was so annoyed at myself for not concentrating and allowing my mind to wonder. But the more I thought about pushing him to the back of my mind, the more I ended up just thinking about him and the more of a distraction he became. Let's just say that my exam results clearly showed that I wasn't paying attention to the important things in life!

I knew that he wanted to break up with her. I had known for a while. I'm pretty sure his friends knew as well, because he wasn't happy and that was obvious. He kept telling me that he would, but that he couldn't do it during exams because that would cause her too much stress. The more he told me, the more I felt like he was trying to convince himself more than anything that he was making the right choice. I knew it was selfish, but  I just kept thinking; 'have you ever for a moment taken into consideration my feelings and how this whole thing is affecting me and my life during exams?" Of course I said nothing. I had become so good at saying nothing. Just letting it happen.

But by some absolute miracle, on about the 25th of May just before the half term of term 3 began, he broke up with her. Even though we still hadn't come to the end of exams, he decided to end it. Finally. It was adiós to her. I was the happiest person to walk the face of the planet. What would this mean for us. Now I knew that of course whatever would happen would be a slow process. That it would take time to build something. I really wasn't expecting some kind of relationship to suddenly occur. I mean hey, what's a couple more months when you've waited a year and a half?

This slow pace was obviously not on his mind because on the 27th of May, a couple of days after the break up, he asked me on a date! My first ever date might I add. Maybe it was the full steam ahead attitude that set off the unexpected events that unfolded, but at that moment I was just a 17-year-old girl about to go on her very first date with a boy she had liked for what seemed like a lifetime...