The Runaway 2 - N.H.

Personal

So this has nothing to do with the book. You don't have to read it but you can if you want. It's something that's happened to me a little while ago and I really just needed to get it off my chest.

Thank you guys xx

~

I had this friend, he started off as a friend of a friend and slowly we started to become really close. So me and this guy... let's call him Sam for now.

So me and Sam were best friends, talking day and night, we were so close. We were in different grades at school but that didn't matter much. He would always come over and see me during lunch and ask how I was, etc, etc. I told him practically everything and he did the same. He had a sort of girlfriend and she always got really jealous of us but he would always tell her that he wouldn't let me go and that she'd have to live with it. When I was with him I was so happy, he would make feel good about myself and I knew he cared for me.

Then one day he called me because I hadn't been answering his texts and he was worried about me. I was in tears.

He asked "Caitlin, what's wrong? What's happened?"

I didn't answer and he continued to ask me but I wouldn't say a word. Quickly he grew impatient and raised his voice. "Caitlin, what the fuck happened? Tell me!" He yelled and even through the phone line I flinched.

"It was" (again fake names) "Ben and Dan," I told him and he pressed for more information. "I was Skype calling them and somehow they found something out about me and now they hate me," I explained and I heard him curse.

"What the fuck happened?" He growled and I continued to sob to him through the phone.

"They found out I was... Self harming," I told him, my words coming out in an odd, strained tone.

"What?" He asked lowly and I could hear the gears in his head turning.

"I'm sorry, Sam," I whined through the phone and hugged myself tightly.

"I'm so fucking sorry, Caitlin," he kept apologising but I didn't know what for.

Eventually we both calmed down enough to have a reasonably civil conversation.

"Caitlin," he began, "I love you, I love you a lot and even though it hurts you didn't tell me, I understand. I will always love you, Caitie and from now on I expect you to talk to me when you feel like doing this to yourself again, okay?"

"Okay, Sam," I said and it was like this weight had been lifted off my shoulder. "I love you too."

So Sam and I continued being friends for a little while longer until I started to become very angry with the people around me. I was always frustrated and yelling and it took a toll on our relationship.

At some point we stopped talking to each other all together but after that phone call I never hurt myself like that again. I'm not romanticising self harm but he did help me. Every time I wanted to do that to myself I would talk to him or think about the sobs that escaped his lips when he called me that night and I told him.

I don't speak to Sam anymore, we haven't spoken in weeks and the last time we did it was one message each over Facebook. I'm not going to lie, I developed strong feelings for that boy over the few months I had with him. I loved him and still do. I never kisses him and he never even touched me beside when he hugged me or we would take photos together. He never felt the same about me and never will but tang didn't stop my feelings.

He gave me confidence and happiness and made me feel special. It was my fault that I let him go and that we are basically strangers and I will never forgive myself for letting him go.

I have a boyfriend now and he is actually one of the boys who 'hated' me. Neither of those boys really hated me but that night they said that they were really disappointed in me. One of them (not my boyfriend) didn't speak to me for weeks. Sam never let me forget how much he loved me and that he would make up for the love lost from those two boys.

My boyfriend knows little about what really happened with Sam and I and he definitely doesn't know he was the reason I stopped.

Sometimes I think about messaging him, but somehow I know he won't message back.

I love you, Sam.