S.H.I.T

sleepwalking

Koli

It's hard to find a way to breathe when I'm this far from reality. It feels like I'm sleepwalking. This feels like a scary dream. When I walk into my bathroom I see myself in the mirror.

My brown hair is messy and honestly doesn't look too good. When was the last time I ate? This bathroom doesn't feel like my own. This isn't my reality..

This doesn't feel real. My eyes scan everything in the bathroom and I cant find anything out of the ordinary. I open my mirror cabinet and grab my medicine. It's for my hallucinations and voices...

Schizophrenia is a every day struggle. I never can tell the difference between reality and my imagination. When I close my cabinet my reflection is looking behind me... he looks scared for me.

I close my eye, "its fake," I whisper to myself. Nothing is behind me. The hair on the back of my neck and arms stand up. I feel a form behind me. The fear grips at my insides, scratching and clawing despite to climb out of me into the form of a scream.

The door opens and I hear a little sigh. I'm to scared to open my eyes. "Oli.. you're okay. Nothing's there."

I open my eyes and see my boyfriend. I find myself feeling better. Kellin always calms me down. My eyes flicker to the mirror and it's just me. I'm in control of my reflection.

"Your eyes are so pretty, its like they are swallowing me," I say as I look into his pretty blue eyes. Me and kellin have been together for five years, im going to ask him to marry me in a month. I want it to be special.

Whispers make me close my eyes. I dont want to hear them. I look at the big mirror in front of my sink and I see both me and kellin's reflections whispering with smirks. When I look at kellin he's looking at me, worry clear on his face.

I look at the mirror again and we look normal. No, I look normal. Kellin has bruises on his throat. I look at his throat in real like and no bruises are there. "Do you need me to get your therapist on the phone?" He asks and I swallow hard and shake my head no.

"I love you kellin," I remind him and he smiles.

"I love you to Oli," he says and leads me out of the bathroom. When he shuts the bathroom door I hear his bloody murder scream. I flinch and look at the bathroom door.

Kellin is screaming and banging on the door.. I look at him who is next to me, he doesn't seem to hear it. Or see the door bouncing with each hit.

"OLI!? HELP-STOP! N-NO!" He screams on the other side of the door struggling and banging happens and it goes quite.

"Can we just go watch tv? Distract you or something?" He says trying to get me away from my thoughts.

I sigh knowing I'm hallucinating. Nothings in the bathroom, kellin is here. I hold his hand and let him take me to the living room.

When we go in I look at the trashed house. Everything seems to be pushed off counters and walls. Theres broken glass and nothing seems to be in place. It looks like someone destroyed our house. Even our tv has punch holes in it.

"C-can you see this?" I ask and kellin looks around thinking.

"I'm guessing no? Everything looks normal," he says and I run my hand through my hair. What's happening to me. I can't help but feel like something seriously is off.

Kellin looks at me sadly. "Why?" He says and I'm not sure what he's talking about. "Why did you.." he says seeming to freak out. Oh god, what did I do this time?

I try to touch him to calm him down but he flinches back. "Why!?" He screams and I feel my heart break a little. He tries to run from me so I chase him and end up grabbing him and start crying. He goes limp and I rock him back and forth as he crys.

"Why did you hurt me?" He whispers.

"Love, I'm sorry. I didn't know. I dont know what I did," I says crying as I rock us back and forth. The whispers get louder and I feel myself being pushed into a panic attack.

I'm at the edge of the world.

"Why did you choke me?" He whispers horsley. I shake my head.

"I didn't, I love you kellin," I mumble holding him tightly. He's not crying anymore. He's ready quiet. It's just my crying.

"Why did you kill me? I thought you loved me.. I thought you were getting better," he says and I shake my head 'no' over and over. I didn't kill him... I love him.

This is fake..

"Wake up," he says and I feel myself start to wake up in a way.

I look up and see I'm in the bathroom. Memories flood my mind. I hug kellin as we sit on the tile floor. I look at the floor and see blood..

Where do I go from here?
Do I disappear?
Should I sink or swim?
Or simply disappear?

I pull away from my tight hug and look at kellin. His body is limp and he has those bruises on his neck.

I choked him..

I look at his pretty lifeless body. I took away his life. I cry harder and run my hand through my hair. Blood runs down my arm and I take a look at my forearm with horror. 

A vertical deep cut with blood gushing out of it is on my arm.

I'm dizzy..

I look at the love of my life and them my arm. I deserve this.. I'm going to let myself die because why not? I lived for kellin. If he's not here then I shouldn't be here..

I close my eyes a simply.. dissapear

Um...

What did you think?

Did you expect that?