His daughter (Austin Carlile)

17

Erika

(This is also quite triggering. And i'll put the triggering part in bold italics so you can skip it if you need to.)

~3 months later~

I walked in the door and dropped my book bag near the table. I just slumped down on couch and stared. I honestly didn't know how much longer I could keep this secret. Although my face was healed and my pain went away I wasn't the same.

Even I knew I changed. I knew it the moment I relapsed.

<flashback>

I held the sharpener in my hand. It's been a solid 4 months since I've done this. But I knew I deserved it. I knew that this would make it all better for a while.

I smiled at the thought of it being ok and took my chance. I used a piece of flat wood and carefully unscrewed the blade.

I was anticipating the burn. The relief.

I held it in my hands for a moment before putting it in the familiar position between my thumb and index finger.

And hovered for a while before I took my action.

'Slut'
'Ugly'
'Fat'
'You deserve this'

I went as much as I could with a pencil sharpener blade and stopped. It was a new feeling. I felt happy for the first time in months. I forgot what it felt like.

<end of flashback>

'I'll be in the studio today, there's some left over Chinese in the fridge! Be safe. Love you see you tonight.'
Austin was oblivious

'Erika this is serious! You can't just let it go! I'm coming over. No ifs ands or buts.'
Alex, however, saw my cuts today and won't let it go. If I know anything it's that he won't stop until he gets what he wants and I don't blame him.

I heard a knock and got up. The knocking was continuous and I opened the door and was engulfed in a hug. I knew the embrace and wrapped my arms around Alex's neck.

"Talk to me baby please!" I led him over to the couch and sat down.

"You're the very first person that I'm ever telling this to. I've been keeping a secret from everyone." I started.

"Why did you keep this secret," he grabbed my hands and kissed my cheek. "You can tell me anything."

"I was ashamed. I didn't want the negativity, the hatred, the disgusted looks. It was my three month secret."

"Erika this isn't clue. Tell me what happened."

My voice got softer with each word and I soon didn't think he could hear. But I couldn't help it "I was walking home from school after my suspension and walked past a bar and looked at it and thought about my dad. And as I was walking past the alley way. I was grabbed and..."

"And what Erika it's ok.." He rubbed my knee and the look on his face was filled with so much worry that I felt bad. And in that moment, I knew that he only wanted to help me.

"I was raped." I whispered. I look up to see his terrified look over my blank expression and almost cried.

He looked so distraught. He looked so miserable. "You didn't tell Austin?" He asked. I shook my head and felt something wet on my cheek.

"Awwhhh sweetie." He grabbed me into a hug and rocked us back and forth. "You have to tell Austin."

I shot my head up back to him and shook my head really fast. "He'll either take it the wrong way and think I'm a whore or take it the wrong way and this I'm a disgrace."

"No! No he won't. He's your father. Adopted or not, he was meant to be here and that's not who Austin is. If it makes you feel any better i'll stay with you while you tell him." He said as he looked me in the eyes.

I nodded and hugged him again. "Just hug me please." I said as he nodded into my neck.

~<~>~<~>~<~>~<~>~<~>~<~>~<~>

"So what do you need to tell me?" Austin asked as he sat down across from me. I held onto Alex's hand like it was keeping me alive and I didn't know how to start.

Throughout the whole story I noticed his face contort with sadness and then anger. His face was so angry he looked like he could kill someone and that someone was either my rapist or the person closest to him. So I scooted away a little bit.

He noticed and his face softened. He looked ashamed. He put his head in his hands and and sighed. "Why didn't you tell me!?" He asked.

"I couldn't take the negativity to be honest. I-I was ashamed. Because I had let this happen. It wasn't supposed to. I could've stopped it. But I didn't. I was paralyzed with fear. And he was to strong." I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

As if he had an instinct he leaned over and touched my wrist. "May I see?" He whispered. I looked at Alex, who just simply nodded and got up to leave the room. When I heard the door click I pulled up my sleeve for Austin.

They're were new scars and new cuts, each in straight lines one after another.

I saw a tear hit my arm and wrapped my arms around his neck. "Please don't cry." I pleaded as tears filled my own eyes. He grabbed my wrist and kissed all of them.

"I can't help it. I just saw how many times you've needed your father and I wasn't there." Tears filled his eyes again and I wiped them away. He sat on the couch next to me and I cuddled up to him.

I heard the door creak open and saw Alex give the 'I'm leaving' signal. I nodded and cuddled up to Austin again.

"Dad?"

"Hmm"

"Promise me that this won't affect our lives. That we can move on and be happy. Promise me please." I pleaded.

"I promise baby girl. Nothing will change. Hard times come and go. And ours did. It'll be ok." He kissed my forehead and I laid back down.

I fell asleep thinking of my mom and Austin, and it was the first night that I didn't have a nightmare.