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unedited ---
1st Person ●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●
Being emotional was something I was not good at. I cry a lot, but never like this. This wasn't even crying. It was like a pain that I could feel across my entire body and yet no tears dared to fall from my eyes. Betrayal. Maybe that was it. However, maybe that word was catachresis for this situation. He didn't exactly betray me. In fact, I wasn't even the negative part of the problem. As much as it seemed like I was on the receiving end, Oikawa was actually the one getting something out of our practices. Maybe that's why I felt so confused in my thoughts. I was giving him something that I can't quite understand.
I realized as I walked along the wet sidewalk that I missed the petrichor of the air after the rain. I loved the rain ever since I was a kid. Keiko would describe to me how the rain made this repetitive clicking sound against the ground as it fell. I wanted badly to hear it, but obviously, I couldn't. So instead, she would hold out my arm from underneath the porch or underneath the umbrella and let my arm take it the rain. The feeling of the droplets quickly land on my arm was similar to the sound, that's what she told me. I loved the rain ever since.
I typically don't like to think about the sound I can't have. I like to think about how to receive that sound in a different way. Ace would sing to me in middle school whenever I felt nervous on nights before big games. She would let me hold my hand on her chest and neck to feel her sing. She sings beautifully, at least to me.
The problem with Oikawa is that I can't feel how he sounds. I can't put my hand on his chest to feel how much torment is wrestling in his mind. I can't touch his face in order to hear that broken tone in his voice that might come with him admitting to his mistakes. I never realized how badly I wanted to hear someone's tone until I met him. His tone never matched his face, at least in the small instances where I could see it. He would laugh now at my jokes about being unable to listen to his instructions, but you could see how much his trick still dwelled in his mind. I wanted so badly to hear how upset he was, but I couldn't, and I couldn't feel his body in order to get it either.
I can't feel someone's inner anger, rage, and discontent. I can't feel how different his face is from his real emotions. That's what I dislike the most.
I crossed the street and turned the corner of the building in front of me, letting myself into the backyard. It was only afternoon, but the sun was covered by clouds. I stood and watched Hinata hit sets sent by little kids. He missed a couple because his eyes were open. "First tempo," I mumbled.
Hinata spotted me and waved. The little kids and their coach looked over at me. The little kids became very interested in me as they huddled around. "Tall!" I caught one of them saying. A small boy which resembled Oikawa's boyish looks took hold of my hand to compare in size to his own.
