Help Calm My Mind

Perfect Smile

Warning: this chapter contains mention of self-harm, thoughts of suicide, depression, insomnia and starvation. If you are struggling with one of these, I'd advise you to get some help from a trusted person. And if these subject trigger you please don't read this story.

Everything was fine. Just perfect. The birds were singing, the sun was shining and Adrien was smiling that wonderful smile of his. But that's just the thing, nothing was fine and certainly not perfect. In Marinette's world everything was dark, and oh my god, she couldn't breathe no matter how hard she tried. She could see everyone not giving her a second glance,  people smiling,  people breathing.  She was drowning, gasping for air while everybody else was walking around her. Marinette was not fine and she hadn't been for a long time.
She couldn't fall asleep. No matter how much she wanted too. She tossed and turned trying to get more comfortable but she knew it was fruitless. Marinette looked over to her kwami, Tikki, and felt envy. Tikki was sound asleep completely oblivious to the outside world. Marinette's insomnia has been bothering her for months now. The last time she could remember she got at most an hour of sleep was two weeks ago.  Sleeping pills won't work on her, so the only thing she can do is hope that the thoughts in her head will stop eating away at her even if it were to be just for an hour. Just as she seemed to finally enter the realm of sleep she heard screams off at a distance. Marinette knew she had to go and help them even if her entire being was begging for sleep.
"Tikki, wake up. There's an akuma." Marinette said as she gently woke up the sleeping kwami. As soon as Tikki woke up Marinette said the magical words and then she swung off her balcony using her magical yo-yo. The screams seemed to be near the Eiffel Tower, so knowing that, she started going toward that direction. As Marinette  ran towards the Tower she felt a jolt of pain up her wrists. Marinette knew the cuts on her wrists were bleeding through the bandages she did earlier that night. This meant she will have to clean the self-inflicted wounds again after she finished with the attack.
As Marinette landed on a building near the Eiffel Tower she saw Chat noir already fighting the akuma. Marinette, now Ladybug, sighed in relief. It was just a baby. The babies were always the easiest, getting distracted so easily made it less difficult to catch the akuma.
While Chat noir was trying to distract the akuma, Ladybug decided to analyze the baby (who said his name was nighty night and sent people into an endless slumber) and figure out where the akuma could potentially be. It was pretty easy to spot, as it stuck out. It was a baby rattle.Most the suit was dark blue with constellations scattered around it but the rattle was bright purple, almost magenta with pastel yellow zigzags and polka dots. The baby itself was floating on a pillow that was dark purple with golden sparkles. The baby seemed completely unaware of what it was doing. As it was snuggled up against the pillow asleep while every time the baby rattle made a sound people who heard it would fall asleep instantly.
Without even needing a luck charm, Ladybug grabbed the rattle and broke it in half while a yawn escaped her mouth. Then she purified the darkened moth and set it free. And as always, she used miraculous ladybug to fix all the damaged caused by the akuma. As she was doing this Chat noir walked towards her and looked at her with concern latched on his face.
"M'lady. Are you okay? You haven't been yourself for awhile and I'm starting to get worried." Chat said in deep concern for his best friend and crush.
"I'm fine kitty. Just haven't gotten a lot of sleep that's all." Not a total one, but nonetheless a lie.
"You know you can talk to me, right? I'll always be here for you."Chat told Ladybug as he put a leathered hand her shoulder.
"I know. As am I. I'll see you during patrol. Bye kitty." And before Chat even had a chance to say goodbye, Ladybug swung away.
God how much she hated herself. Why couldn't she have just told him? That everyday she thought about killing herself, dragging a blade through her already scarred skin, not eating and trying to maintain a happy facade. She couldn't tell him that she felt like absolute shit, either. Marinette trusted Chat with her life and she knew this would be the first step to recovery. She thought this as she layed on her pink bed with Tikki next to her asleep. Her arms cleanly bandaged. But Marinette knew why she couldn't tell him. It would ruin his image of her. Disappoint him. He thinks Ladybug is fearless, happy, a person who never gets tired, who never cries or gets upset. She couldn't ruin that. For anybody. They needed to know that Ladybug was okay, because if she wasn't there would always be that doubt that she won't succeed and that she might fail with protecting Paris, and that doubt won't help them defeat Hawkmoth. 
And just as Marinette felt sleep welcome her once again (or maybe it wasn't. At this point she can barely tell left from right) her alarm for school went off. As Marinette got out of bed she cursed her luck. Marinette decided to take a hot shower so she grabbed her clothes which consisted of a slight loose non-cropped pastel pink T-shirt a black bell-sleeved sweater that went past her hands and some high waisted navy jeans and a bra and a pair of underwear. All clothing -except the undergarments- Marinette had made herself. She then walked to bathroom letting Tikki have an extra few minutes to sleep.
In the shower Marinette allowed her thoughts to swallow her. What if she killed herself? She could do it right now, slit her wrists with her razor. Or even feel the tub with water and try to drown herself. There was even the bottle of pills in the medicine cabinet.  But when she really thought about it, Marinette didn't want to die, she just wanted to disappear until she was back to being okay again. But if it came to the point where she shattered, Marinette knew she would commit suicide without a second thought.
Knowing she'd be late if she was in the shower for any longer. Marinette then proceeded to get dressed, dry her hair and put them in her signature pigtails while adding pink ribbons to both of them. Then she proceeded to put on some makeup. A very light look with a tint of blush, mascara and eyeliner. Marinette then stepped out of the bathroom and walked over to Tikki while grabbing her purse next to her.
"Tikki it's time for school. You can sleep in my purse if you want too." Marinette offered Tikki as Tikki flew into her pink purse.
"Okay Marinette. I hope you have a good day at school." Tikki smiled with kindness laced into her voice.
"Thanks Tikki."
As Marinette walked down the stairs she hugged her mom and dad and said goodbye. Skipping breakfast because she ate to much food five days ago, Marinette started walking to school which was only across the street. As Marinette walked to the school she instantly spotted her friends. Alya, Nino, and Adrien. Her and Adrien have gotten really close this year and she long ago got over her jitters with him, but that doesn't mean she still doesn't hopelessly love him. Not even close.
As Marinette plastered that beautiful but fake smile she walked towards her friends preparing herself for another day in hell.

Author's note: I hope you guys liked the first chapter! So this is my first time doing this and feedback is gladly welcomed. If you're going through a hard time please talk to someone. They won't be disappointed in you, and if they are that probably means the are toxic people. But talking to people you trust is the first step to recovery. And this doesn't necessarily mean just people who are struggling with mental health. Keeping things bottled up is really unhealthy (trust me, I know) and it's going blow up someday no matter how hard you try. And remember, suicide is NEVER the answer. Never.