Help Calm My Mind

Anything for you

Warning! This is going to be the darkest chapter yet! Including self-harm, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, suicidal actions, and self-hatred. If your are triggered by any of these don't read this story.
Marinette's POV
    I was on the Eiffel Tower and was now the loved, amazing Ladybug. I went on patrol an hour early so I could have some time to calm down and think. When I become Ladybug a wave of calm and reassurance comes over me and I love it. I love being Ladybug. It's the only time when I can be useful instead of a weak, clumsy, idiot.
My wrists were burning, and my legs stun. After school was over I ran home and let my legs carry me straight to the bathroom after putting my bag -with Tikki in it- on my bed.
~Flashback~
I quickly got home from school, said hi to my parents, then raced to my bedroom. I gently put my bag on my bed and gave Tikki two cookies who in return shot me a look of concern. I ignored it.
Without even remember walking here, I was in the bathroom sitting with my back to the bathtub. I was hyperventilating and my hair was a disheveled mess. Panic attack, and a bad one. I quickly got my razor, but dropped it multiple times due to my hands shaking so much. During my panic attacks there were only three things that could help me. One was Tikki, the second one is being Ladybug, the third one was this. But my brain was to frantic to realize that Tikki was just a couple of feet of me, and could actually help me. No, it went to more desperate measures.
I slowly slid the razor on to my wrist, relishing in the pain it gave me. I watched how blood oozed out of my wrist and I could finally feel my self coming back to reality. But I didn't stop my self-torture, no, I kept going.  I made marks on my wrist on top of scars and then I decided to go to my legs. I rolled down my pants to my knees and started. I glided the razor against my fat legs. I did them deeper, longer than the others. I was a bleeding mess by time I was done. I started to clean up, first I stopped the bleeding, then I put disinfect on my wounds (which stung like a bitch), lastly, I proceeded to wrap my cuts with bandages.
As I came back from the bathroom, I had a desperate need to become Ladybug.
"Hey, Tikki can we go on patrol early today?" I asked pleadingly. Tikki was just finishing a cookie when she smiled at me.
"Just say the magic words." I smiled. A real smile and nodded.
"Tikki, Spots on!"
~Flashback end~
Why am I doing this to myself?
I asked myself again and again. Self-harm is bad. You shouldn't do it. So then why was I always turning to it? It doesn't make me feel any better, sure, when I'm completely numb it does help me feel something. But right after I'm done I'm always overwhelmed by self-hatred right after. Maybe I should just die. I know I'm being weak by going to suicide for an answer, but it makes sense. No one will miss me and I won't have to deal with this hell anymore. But what about Ladybug? People need Ladybug, they depend on her and even though I fail at everything else, I can't fail at this. Being Ladybug makes me feel something other than self-hatred and sadness. It helps me be free of my mind. Very rarely, but still.
The'll find another Ladybug.  And then everything just clicked. They don't need me. They wouldn't miss me. They just needed a Ladybug. Master Fu could always find someone new. Someone who's deserving, capable, and someone who's full of hope. Not me, a person who besides physically, is dead.
Without even registering what I was going to do, I stood up.
and said my final words.
"Spots o-"
"Hi M'lady! I didn't expect you to here this early for patrol."
I glanced to my kitty. My best friend. I almost killed myself! How could I do that without even saying goodbye to my partner in crime? I truly am a horrible person.
That's when the walls I built so high that it blocked the sun came undone. All that hiding, all those fake smiles, all the cuts, scars, all that fake hope. Came undone in tears. First it was small. One tear came sliding down my cheek. Then another. And then it came.  A tsunami of tears.
"C-chat."  He looked shocked at first, not used to seeing me like this, but then he opened his arms and... he smiled. Without a second thought I jumped into his arms just as the sun was setting on the city of love.
I cried and cried. Sobs racked my body and I was shaking uncontrollably. But Chat just held me tighter with no signs of letting go. And I was glad, I didn't want him to let go. I was holding him like he was my last hope, my lifeline. And in a way, he is.  If he wasn't there that very second, I would have jumped off the Tower without a second thought.
"What can I do for you, Bugaboo?" He whispered in my ear. I was still sobbing. Still broken. But not shattered.
"Just help calm my mind."
"Anything for you, M'lady."
Was I still broken? definitely. Is my mind still screaming at me. Yes. But was I alone? No.
Narrator's POV
Through thick and thin they'll make it through anything. This is not the end. There will be bumps and bruises. But the two lovers will make it through anything stacked against them. Together.

    This is not Over! There is still a lot more coming. Twists, turns, and heartbreaks.
So... yeah I posted again today. I was just so excited to write this chapter! Plus I didn't want to forget any of the ideas I had. I wanted this chapter show that suicide isn't the answer and never will be. There will always be someone who cares for you and loves you. Even if you don't know yet. I care about you! So there's already one person who cares about you, and there will be/are more! Don't give up. I've been down this road before and it sucks. But trust me when I say this, it gets better. It will take time. However long that is, people will be there for you.
Have a good day everyone! And once again have a happy new year! I'll try to post again THIS FRIDAY.