Lights! Camera - ; Tyrus

Scene 4

TJ

We're all sitting in metal folding chairs and I have my head in my hands.

I shouldn't be here.

I shouldn't be anywhere.

So why do I want to?

It's so weird and I feel so connected to everything. Like the people around me are living normal lives while I am part of the universe. Which is stupid.

But it feels like it.

I want to think that the audition went well. Truth be told I think it went great. I think that the other people at the panel really saw who I was, they saw who they wanted to see. And I became so part of the story that I forgot all about Cyrus Goodman and his lips and eyes. And the not loving.

Because I don't love him. That would be stupid.

My script is on top of my head, while my head is in my knees, though it feels like its up with the stars. And everything just feels so wrong. Too short. Too messed up and garbled to make sense of.

I'm 90% sure I'm imagining things because I keep hearing "TJ?" over and over again. But I can't be, because its paced and not like how a brain would imagine it. And for a split second. For a tiny fraction of time, I think it's Cyrus. So I look up.

It's not Cyrus.

"TJ?" Kira asks me again. Her hand is on my should faster than I can see it move. Maybe it was always there... "Are you okay?"

I shake my head a little, letting some feeling back into it. "Oh, yeah... I'm fine. Just the uh.. Nerves I guess." I reply halfheartedly, shrugging. The shrugging motion is to hopefully get her hand off my shoulder. Which she doesn't.

Kira smiles, "well okay, I just thought you were having an attack or something. Good to know your not." Then she looks like she's going to leave. Instead, she sits down and is still. Touching. Me. "Hey, it's been a hot second since we've hung out, and I know we did play a few games in high school and stuff-

For the quick record. Those few games were with twenty other people in our sports class.

"-so I was thinking, because I'm trying out for the girlfriend, and your doing the lead, maybe we could hang out at Starbucks? Go over the lines? I know we haven't gotten the roles yet, but look at us. We have too. Cyrus was practically mooning over my performance, it's a shame he moved away..."

I think something must have hit her on the head, because last I checked, Kira nearly ruined Cyrus and I's relationship.

Before I got to it anyway.

But here she is, her hand on mine, talking like nothing happened in middle school. Like she doesn't know I'm gay. Or doesn't believe I'm gay...

At that moment Cyrus emerges from the other room. All heads turn in his direction as everyone tries to make pleasant faces at him. They are all sweating like pigs, it's not even hot in here.

Like I can't control myself I stand up, tall and fast like a bolt of lightning. Then sit down, then stand up again because I look stupid. And hide my face in my script.

I see Cyrus look around the room, give a half smile that everyone else takes as a good sign, except me. I know that face. I know all his faces. And that's when it hits me.

Cyrus doesn't know about me not caring about him anymore. We haven't talked for nearly a decade, he might think I showed up here to win his affection, he might even think I still love him. And I don't. I don't. But Kira... Kira doesn't even believe I'm gay, not really anyway, she could, as much as it pains me to say, think I was in some kind of phase.

With that, I seal my fate before his gaze can meet mine. Turning a blind eye to his perceptional stare, I speak to Kira with as must courage as I can muster: "I would love to go hang out with you." And god forgive me, I've done it. There is no going back.

I can tell as soon as I see Kira's face light up she is everything I thought she was.....

Which is how I end up sitting right across from her the next day at a Starbucks.

What have I done?

This is all going so fast. I don't even really remember my process of getting here.

Kira, who I'm starting to think is doing this just to spite me and my queerness, is wearing the most revealing silver tank top with a neckline that doesn't start or end at the neck. And wearing a ridiculous amount of red lipstick, probably think that she'll be using her mouth for something else that she'll need a lot of it.

But I don't want her. I don't want Cyrus Goodman.

I don't.

I really, really don't.

I swear to god. Jesus Christ. What is wrong with me? Why the hell am I like this?

In another world I don't have a million thoughts of how wrong I am swirling in my head. Ones where I know I'm right. I'm right about my feelings.

Except I am so wrong.

I can feel my brain scrubbing away at the text.

I don't. I don. I do.

And that makes me nearly flip the table and run. My heart just stopped, everything, everything is so overwhelming I feel like I'm going to cry. I need to get out of here. Please Universe, help me.

God I wish I knew what other people were thinking, maybe it would straighten my own thoughts out.

Cyrus

What the hell am I thinking?

I bury my face in my hands. This can't actually be an option. This can't really be something the others are really thinking about doing. I should have told them. I should have told them everything so that this could never happen.

What are the chances Universe?

"Screw you Universe." I say out loud. Luckily I'm in the room by myself so nobody can hear my crisis. I'm in the room by myself, which means that nobody can steady my swaying brain.

To choose the right one, or the one that won't hurt me?

I don't know anymore which one that is.

TJ

"-And then I was like, you have no idea who I am, then of course she has to step up right up close to me, and I think she might even be a f** because I swear she was looking at me weirdly. Anyway it was totally crazy and-" Kira stops halfway through her many stories because I put a finger to her lips. "What's wrong TJ?"

I pull my phone out of my pocket, it's still ringing. "Nothing, it's just, I have to take this." And I stand up. Everything is moving so fast, but I can't get out of that room with Kira in it fast enough.

Maybe the Universe heard my prayer.

"Hello?" I ask into the phone, hoping it's some kind of excuse to get out of this "date" I brought upon myself. The voice on the other line starts to speak.

I nearly drop the phone on the pavement.

I have a callback, if those were even still a thing. At least that's what I heard. Anyway, a callback, in one hour. And this could change my life.

I don't know who is doing this to me, but I hope to god they know what they're doing.