Lights! Camera - ; Tyrus

Scene 11

Laura: What do you want Andrew?

Andrew: I don't know! *swings arms out* *closes himself in* I-I don't know about anything

Laura: *Takes a step forward* Well.. Do you still want this?

Andrew:.... I don't, I don't know what I want

Act 2, scene 13 of "The Big Idea"

Written and directed by Cyrus Goodman

Cyrus

I pull the door open and TJ Kippen collapses into my arms.

Wait-

"Cyrus." TJ croaks, still looking down through my arms. I try to lift him up but he's practically turned to jelly. Then I realize as I spot the bottle in his loose hand. He's been drinking.

"TJ?" Is all I can make out, there really is nothing to say. "Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry." He practically sobs, "Imsorry Imsorry Imsorry Imsorry!" His words are so fast, but punch holes in my heart every time. He feels guilty for things that I did.

I try to lift him up again and I see that his eyes are blood shot, but not from the alcohol. Oh my g-d.

A sense of dread fills me up from the core, drying me up.

"No, TJ it's not your-" Then I'm cut off by TJ smashing his lips against mine. Which. Okay. Shouldn't feel this good. Considering that his breath tastes like strong alcohol and the last time this happened we became so toxic I didn't feel anything for a week. And I had just gotten my emotions back.

But it doesn't feel horrible. I don't care if that makes me sick. Just let me enjoy this one moment where I can feel his lips on mine.

That one moment didn't end for a minute. Or two. Or three...

I don't move that much. But TJ seems to gain his confidence and actually stands up properly. But I don't let go of him. I can't. I just can't seem to let him go. Even when my brain tells me this should be wrong, and TJ is drunk, and we haven't even talked about this.

"TJ-" I mumble and he immediately lets go of my hair, his mouth moves away from mine. And I'm left with a sense of longing.

"Im sorry-" he starts again but I cut him off.

"TJ, it's not your fault." I'm still holding onto him, lightly by the arms. Get a grip of yourself Goodman.

"But it is my fault. I kissed you back. I started this whole thing." He continues, and I realize that he is still holding onto me, lightly, by the arms. I can feel every fiber of him on me. I feel like I am going to combust.

I still want to kiss him.

"TJ," I try to not look at his lips, "this whole thing, is wrong. We can't be like this. Not with our- not with our past experiences."

He drops his arms, "you mean our relationship that you don't want to talk about." TJ looks down at the ground.

"Why should I want to talk about it?" I ask him, trying not to raise my voice. I shouldn't even be carrying against him, he's drunk. But something shuts down when I think about our past expe- relationship. Like my brain refuses to let me think about it, despite those memories always haunting me. It's such a weird, tormenting feeling.

"Because it's all I can think about." TJ says. And he just lets that hang there for a moment. "It's all I can think about. Because it was all my fault."

I want to take a step towards him,  but I refrain. "No, TJ, it's not your fault."

"Then why are you acting like it is?" He shouts, with a sudden urgency in his voice, "You keep being horrible to me at set! Then you ignore me when you're not doing that, and on top of that I can't get your stupid lips out of my head! Why are you doing this to me?" He's actually crying now.

"TJ, I didn't know this was hurting you this badly-"

"It's not even that Cyrus, it's just you never talk about it. Ever, we haven't seen each other in years and now you act like there was nothing at all. Did you even like me? Were you even into guys?" He looks at me in the eyes and I watch as tiny streams of anguish fall down his own.

"Of course I liked you TJ, I cared about you so much." Is all I can answer, I don't add in that I still like him now.

"Then why didn't you call? Or try to do something about it?" He sits down on my couch and places the bottle on my coffee table. It's low remains splash back and forth.

"Because I didn't know if you wanted me too. You just seemed so broken. And I didn't know how to help. I'm sorry." I sit down on the couch as well. I'm being honest. "TJ, sometimes when someone in a relationship has something mentally damaging, it can damage the relationship, and the other one can only get them professional help or try to give them space. But it's really hard to bring that relationship back."

TJ nods. Then reaches for his drink again and takes another sip. "I don't even know why I'm talking about this. We can never be like that again."

I think about this for a second as TJ drinks, then shuffle in a tiny bit closer. "Well at least now we've talked about it a little bit more. And you have to remember it isn't your fault TJ entirely TJ. It was mine for not taking care of you properly, and then are own stubbornness not making us call or try to fix it."

He actually smiles, just a tiny bit, but he's still crying. "Should we call it even then?"

"Sure, even." I give a lopsided smile.

"I'm sorry for barging my drunk self in here so early in the morning."

"If you didn't do that, we might have never talked again."

He brushes away his tears and sniffs. "Yeah, thanks for that, Cyrus. I should probably head out, we have work today." He stands up to leave.

I don't say anything else. I watch as TJ Kippen takes one step forward. Then he looks back.

"Can I?" He says softly.

I don't hesitate, I just nod.

I let TJ Kippen kiss me one more time. I let him feel my lips against his. I let him feel my hands in his own, his hair, his back.

I guess he lets me kiss him one more time as well.

And it's raw, so raw, but slightly energetic, like we need to get as much of each other before it's gone.

Then TJ Kippen stops.

And I watch him leave my apartment.

Then I start to cry.

I realize what I came home for in the first place and reach for my phone. My vision is a blurry mess of tears that are all for him, all for longing to feel him again.

I manage to type out a text to Nick about the public and having to make a new contract, and hit send.

I don't move from the couch, I just lay down there. Still crying, still longing. It's pathetic.

Just as I drift off I remember not seeing if I sent the text to Nick.