Lights! Camera - ; Tyrus

Scene 9

TJ

I wake up with Cyrus in my arms.

Usually in films or books the main character feels disoriented when they wake up in a new place, but this, this isn't surprising.

I don't think either of us saw this coming.

I don't think this really means anything to him anyway, maybe it does. I don't know anymore what Cyrus Goodman means, it's like a new barrier blocked in our path. We got this far, I don't see why it has to stop here.

But now that it's done I guess we go back to normal.

Cyrus twitches slightly before laying still again.

We could never go back to normal.

I try considering my options right now:

1. Get up and leave right now, pretend nothing happened

2. Wake up Cyrus and talk about what this means

3. Keep staring at the adorable Cyrus Goodman I have in my arms and pretend just for a second that this is real.

As tempting as it is to just go back to sleep, I know that one of us has to make a move, and I rather it be me who dealt the blow than him.

Besides, Cyrus does look incredibly beautiful in this morning light. Like how a movie star would in this exact type of scene. But he's real. He's so real. As real as his messy, soft bed head. As real as his tiny twitches and patterned movements that I want to learn off by heart. As real as the soft feeling I have inside of me.

And then Cyrus wakes up.

And then the soft feeling disappears.

He almost seems surprised, like what we've done was a dream of some kind. (Yeah right, Cyrus dreaming of me) But then his amazing fast brain knows. And it knows what happens next.

"Holy... What the hell happened last night? God. You're-" He bolts upright, his eyes darting the room. "I can't believe I would actually do that! I honestly thought. What the hell are you doing here? What the hell am I doing here? With you?" He tries to get out of bed, before realizing that would be an even worse mistake, for other reasons.

I want to smile, or pretend to be hurt by this. Make it a joke. This isn't a joke. This is so far from that. I stay silent.

"If anyone found out-"

"Nobodies going to find out-"

Cyrus isn't listening to me. Instead he's fishing his clothes from the floor and getting out of bed. His face is read with absolute anger, and embarrassment. Of me.

"I'm so dead. This can't actually be real. I can't believe I would be so stupid, so desperate to throw away my entire life! For this! Where is my shirt?" He's yelling now, I find his dark shirt on my side and toss it over, then I roll out of the bed and start to get dressed too.

"Do you know what this means?" He's not even saying my name. Not even looking me in the eye.

"I thought we didn't care about that." Is all I can manage to say without putting any emotion behind it. Making it look like I don't care.

I don't. Whatever.

"Sure when it was just going out to an ice rink it didn't matter. Anyone can do that. But this-" He gestures to the floor, "This is. I can't believe I slept with you!"

"You're the one who kissed me first!" I reply in defense. At least I think he did. I don't even know anymore.

"That doesn't matter! If anyone finds out-"

"Cyrus! Nobody will find out!"

"SOMEBODY WILL TJ! Somebody always does..." His voice is so loud then so silent. We pause for a second, the length of the world between us.

Cyrus turns away and faces the window, he hesitates as he looks at the morning sky. Like he's asking for a sign or something from one of his gods. I don't know. I can't read Cyrus Goodman. "You need to leave."

"So that's it? We sleep together and then you kick me out? Nothing more than it was last time." I'm trying not to let emotions fester in my words, but they flow over them anyway.

Cyrus spins around, "last time? Are you kidding me? (I'm not) This is a matter of out jobs TJ, our lives. I'm not going to throw it away for some petty guy, who can't even get over his tween-age feelings!"

"So you're so strong and grown up but can't even face me right now! Look me in the eyes and say that you want me to leave!"

Cyrus Goodman looks up at me in the eyes, "I want you to leave. I want you to leave so you can stop poisoning my life with your walls that you let nobody into. With the barriers that are so dense, even you can't open them."

"Stop! Stop acting like my therapist! God, it's like all you want to do is make out and then pity my life! I don't need your pity!"

"I wonder how it got there TJ!"

"THEY LEFT ME ALONE!"

"YOU LEFT ME ALONE! I TRIED TO HELP!"

"Oh is that what help looks like, Cyrus?"

"Just, leave!" Cyrus sobs, except his face is dry. His tears have been misplaced,

In my eyes.

"Cyrus.." I say hoarsely.

He's gone to facing the window again. I bite down on my lip, hard. I don't know what just happened. I think we both started hitting the barrier, with the wrong kind of tool. And now it's broken. Everything is broken.

"Please, TJ. I can't.... you can't be around me. I don't want to, hurt you." 

I don't want to hurt him either. I open my mouth,

Then pace out of the room and out the door. I hesitate, wanting to look back, wanting to take everything back. Wanting none of this and all of this to happen, but better.

I shut the door.

My head is swimming with poison. It's leaking into my brain, filling it with toxins, making me want to cry. To bleed.

What happened?

What happened to me?

What happened to Cyrus Goodman?

What happened to us?

I start crying. I have to grip the apartment wall to keep my balance. As soon as I do, I want to hold onto him instead. I want to talk and not yell, not scream. Heal.

The sobs come harder now.

How can we ever be the same again?

Cyrus

This is all my fault.

I didn't mean any of it. Not that it matters. Nobody can forgive me now.

I'm so broken.

I did this. My brain did this. My words did this. My heart.

My heart is so shattered, I think it will never heal again.

I don't care...

I do care.

I care so much