A new reality (Sayonika)

Sayori

I watch Monika walk away through the window and think about how nice she looks, she has a really graceful stance which makes her look elegant when she walks which contrasts greatly to me and my clumsy strides, I could never be like her even if I wanted to be. She soon disappears around the corner and out of sight, making my street look dull and dim, her radiating light being instantly sucked from the environment and leaving my heart aching in ways I had never felt before. I pull her poem from my pocket and glance over it once more, as I read it earlier it felt as if my heart was being squeezed, the theme moved me so much, the power in the words warming and comforting to my soul, patting it gently to reassure and care for it and as I stare at it longingly, wishing to feel that mushy feeling again, I notice that tears are already streaming down my face, pooling on my hands as they fall off my chin. I wonder what her inspiration was, what drove her to write a piece so emotional and caring that it brought tears to my eyes?

"What's going on in your head?"I say aloud.

I place it down on the table and head up to my room, wiping my wet face with a tissue that was in my pocket before scrunching it up into a ball. I don't know why her poem made me cry like that, I normally cry at much bigger things that genuinely upset me like when my pet hamster died when I was 11 or when my dad hurt himself badly while playing golf. I haven't seen mum and dad for a while now, they now live a few miles away after they moved out and left me to take care of myself before college, they check on me from time to time but they never stay long, always leaving for one thing or another like a work related thing or perhaps dinner with their friends, I guess that fuels my anxiety a bit, my parents own don't even like visiting me, what a useless daughter I am.

"No wonder Ryan doesn't even talk to you anymore, Sayori."

I push away my sudden anger, forcing it into the back of mind and shoving the pieces it left into small crevices where they couldn't escape, thoughts like these plague my mind everyday and affect my mood a lot though I've gotten used to hiding how I truly feel, I still always manage to maintain a positive attitude at school and keep a smile on my face just so no one notices my depression. I'm the sweet girl who is bubbly and fun to be around and can cheer others up with a few simple motivational words, I'm like a cliche teenager in those American films. That personality is covered in so much veneer that you can't see through it at all, I literally should look shiny and plastic like a doll, a doll ready to break.

"Stay like that and you'll be fine," I say, trying to reassure myself.

I lay down in my bed and yawn, feeling sudden fatigue lay upon my body, I stayed up late last night trying to sort some things out, I don't think I finished what I was doing though, I mainly cried. My eyelids droop as if weights had been tied to them and sleep came to me naturally, resting me gently into what I could only describe as a living terror.

                                                      ***********************

I slowly opened my eyes and was surprised at the beautiful sight before me, a vast expanse of dark land with twinkling lights spread across it, casting wonderful glows that warmed me up so dearly, I was so close to the stars that I could just reach out and touch them which is exactly what I did, they felt warm and fuzzy under my palm, sending tingling sensations up my arm and throughout my body, I bathed in this ticklish feeling. I breathed in different and more heavy air, letting a peculiar smell enter my nose, I couldn't quite tell what it was but it wasn't the most pleasant I had ever come across so I simply just ignored it and watched the small lights in absolute awe.

"Hello?" I called out, my voice echoing through the the dark tunnel however only silence replied.

I laughed, spinning around in my own little world, one where I was at ease with myself and my imagination and could take matters into my own hands, I was at peace with myself for the first time in my life and I... loved it so much