If I Should Be Quite Honest

4

I'm trying to think about what I don't get when I'm laying in bed. My phone is buzzing on my bedside table. It's gone eleven now, so the flat is silent. Evie groans in response to my phone and tosses aimlessly in her bed, but she's still fast asleep.
I pick up the phone and I was able to suss that it would be Taron.

He said he was thinking about me. It was quite late in my books, so I knew that it could only mean one thing.
Ok, I text him.
Do you want to come over tomorrow, he texted back.
Can't, I reply, homework.
You can do it at mine, he pressed.

I recalled his parents never seeming to be home. His family was quite well off, I knew, from the fancy house they lived in, with like fifty rooms (maybe six) but only three people and one car lived there. He was an only child. When I went over there, it was eerily quiet, and he left his room door wide open, saying that his parents weren't coming home until late. Then he told me to take my clothes off.
And I did.

I wondered how that must be. To be an only child. I asked Jacob if he missed it, and he laughed, asking me, "What's to miss? I was three." He was going to be twenty five soon, and it was sort of strange to me. I still remembered when he was like fifteen, and he didn't quite yet have full facial hair.
I couldn't exactly imagine being an only child or living on my own. Whenever I was particularly irritated, I'd sit and will my siblings into a black hole, but in my house of solitude, somehow, somewhere, Amara would poke her head out of a wardrobe or Jae would burst through the door with Ollie, kicking a ball around.
It was simply impossible.
They were like another limb, or the left ventricle of my heart. I couldn't do without them.

I can't, I almost text him, but I don't. I delete it. I don't want to lie. I hate when others do it, so I shouldn't do it to others.
I leave my bed and go outside, closing the door with a soft click. I call him and he picks up instantly.
"Tate," he says my name softly and I feel my skin flush.
"I can't come to yours," I aver.
"Why? Cos you don't want to?"
I hesitate.
"It's ok, but I won't do anything, if that's what you're worried about."
"No," I say, even though that's probably the exact reason. I sigh, "You're being too quick," I say, looking out over the quiet estate, except for some of the teenage boys in hoodies smoking weed and spitting on the ground down below, swearing. At least I can see the stars. Sort of. Only on this side. If I look out on the right, I can see the bright lights of the rest of the town, so bright, the stars are drowned out.
He's silent for a while, "Quick? Am I?"
"Yes," I say, but my voice is unsure.
"Sorry."
I didn't want him to keep being sorry, "If I came over, what would we do?" I ask. He stayed quiet again, so I knew he was trying to make something up. This was usually the other way around, where the boy would be like 'what are you doing?' and the girl would be like 'I'm in bed' and the boy would be like 'without me?' Ha ha ha. Guys are stupid like that.

Dopey, insipid fucks.

"I'd kiss you again," he finally said and I bit my lip to stop myself smiling. He was being honest with me at least. And I found myself wanting to kissed by him again, "Then I'd let you do your homework," and then he said, "If you still wanted to."
If my skin was paler, you'd see me blush.
I wanted to stay on the phone to him all night, and I would have if he hadn't looked at the time. It was close to one thirty in the morning. I was shocked. He said I should probably get to bed and I wanted to say no. I wanted to talk to him some more, but I knew he was right.
So I hung up and went to bed. But I tell you, a smile hadn't stayed on my face as long as this.

I smiled at the table in the morning, swirling my cereal. By that time, the flakes were soaked and mushy in the milk, but I swirled it like some kind of porridge. Evie scrunched up her nose.
"She's smiling again," she declared.
"Why are you smiling, Tati?" Ren asked, a smirk on her face.
"What's wrong with smiling?" Haven asked, "I mean, someone should."
She had had another argument with Tai and ignored his further calls, saying she couldn't talk to him, because she'd make him cry. She was tough, my sister.
Except for when she wasn't.
"It's the boy," Amara said, though she didn't know what she was talking about. Evie had probably just been chatting shit through her teeth, who knows. But whenever Amara talked about the opposite sex or kissing, she'd giggle and go all bashful. She did that now, but it still made everyone look at me.
"Who would want to go out with any of you?" Ollie remarked, harshly, thinking he was being funny. Jacob pushed his head.
"What're you talking about? You're the worst one," he said.
Ollie looked proud of this. He shouldn't be smiling like that. His teeth didn't look like they had seen good days.
"But who is he?" Ren asked.
"Taron," I say, "But he's not my boyfriend."
"Taron," Jacob repeated, trying to remember.
"No one said anything about a boyfriend," Ollie waggled his brows, and Haven scrunched up her nose at him.
"He's that tall boy, with the brown hair, on the football team right?" Haven said.
"Basketball," I correct her.
"Basketball," Haven said.
Ren looked confused, so I pointed to the class picture from year nine, where I had begun to blossom, to Taron, when his hair was a bit longer. Ren nodded, as if to give her stamp of approval.
"He's white," she remarked. As if that was meant to be shocking.
"Yeah," Jacob scoffed, "Eighty percent of this country is white. You're a bit late."
"Tai's white," Haven said.
"His dad is from Jamaica," Ren said.
"Brixton," Haven said, "He's white."
Tai looked whiter than he looked black, but she was still sort of wrong.
"Who do you want me to date?" I asked Ren. Would she feel better if I dated someone who looked like me? In my experience, it did not much matter where I went. People will make it clear who they want to be with and what your looks mean to them, unprovoked.
She shrugged, "Date who you want. Just make sure he respects you."