If I Should Be Quite Honest

17

It's somewhat quiet when I get inside. I guess Ren, Jacob, Remi and Haven have left by now. It's Isis that comes into the hall. She smiles at me. I stop short. Her teeth are on the brink of yellow, one chipped and her lips have become thin, so she looks like she's baring her teeth to eat me.
"Uh, hi...," I say. Unlike me.
"How was it?" she asked, "Do you want some breakfast? I made eggs."
I frown. She did what now? I disregard the fact that she left no time at all for me to answer her first question, not like I would have anyway, and try and comprehend the notion of her doing anything remotely motherly. Like caring enough to make something.
And it was near lunchtime.
"I ate," I said, but as her smile fades slightly, and she nods, I force out a, "thanks though. I'm sure it's nice, but I'm full." I pat my stomach lightly for emphasis and theatrics, even though I've just got Frosties in there.
"Oh," she smiles wider again, "Ok."
"Yeah." Why am I sparing her feelings, when she never really spared mine? Why am I being nice?
"Are you ok?"
"Yes I am," I tell her. I am so. I'm in love. "They've gone then?"
"Yeah, Haven will be back first. She'll get the bus."
I nod, going to the family room where Ollie sits on the couch beside Evie. I do a double take, thinking I've walked into an alternate reality where my siblings can get along like this, because Evie actually rests her head on his shoulder, and he does nothing about it. He actually reaches his hand into the popcorn bowl on his lap and unconsciously places one into her palm. She lifts it to her mouth and eats it, even though incant remember the last time Evie trusted him with handling her food. It's so like Ollie, though, to shove a handful into his own mouth however. Amara sits in front of the couch, combing one Barbie's hair while Pasha does the same, trying to copy her exactly. I want to scream stop it and cry at the same time. It's all too perfect.

But then again, one is missing. It's always one.
Jae.
I go to the boy's room and knock. No response. I knock again. I hear a groan, but I take it as enough reason to enter.
It's dark. And it fucking smells. Like shit.
Girls can be gross too, but did my brothers have to be such boys sometimes?
"Jae?"
Nothing. I flick on the light and he's there in bed, hair sticking up like he had been shocked with a plug or something. He lifts his head groggily and squints at me, grumbling and mumbling something that sounds dangerously like, "Get fucked."
"Ay watch your mouth," I step in, slightly closing the door behind me. I go to crouch by his bunk, by his face and it's a mistake, cos he ain't brush his teeth.
"Ah, shit man," I wave the smell away, "You need to wash bruh, and you lot need to tidy up in here. It's a tip."
"Go away," he groans, "I'm sleeping innit?"
"At almost almost twelve, motherfucker? Get up," I yank his cover away and he hisses at me. "I thought you would have been up by now, reading and shit like you've been doing, being a proper book boy and that."
He sat up, rubbing his eyes, "It's Sunday, day of rest though innih?"
"Shut up," I say, "Get up. You can't sleep your whole day away."
"I can, I could if you let me."
"Ha ha, stop being funny. Come on, you smell funky."
"Tate?"
"Yeah?"
"I kinda lied to you."
"Nah shit," I nudge him though, to let him know I'm just playing. I wait. I wanna know.
"That knife yeah?"
Shit. I almost forgot about that thing. It was still in my other bag.
"Yeah."
"I got it from Toby upstairs."
"What why?"
Toby wasn't a bad guy. Well, not anymore I suppose. He was Remi's age and he was also one of those guys that had called me a nigger bitch when we were still settling in, before he got to know us. Then he said Ren was fit so everything was fine now I guess. We went up there to play PlayStation and his mum made us spaghetti if we stayed long enough.
"I just-."
"No Jae, why would he give you that?"
"To protect myself," he told me.
"From what, Jae? Is everything ok?" I was worried, no less. His eyes looked shiny. I didn't want him to cry. Please don't. Please...
He didn't. He sort of smiled and I knew another lie was about to escape his lips. He sighed, nudging me, "Nah, just from you know."
"No. I don't know."
"I just want to be a g you know."
So it's to be cool?
"Nah," I say, "I'm not having that, tell me the truth."
"I am. I just wanted-."
"You're lying. Stop lying."
"Look-."
"Is it because of the gang?"
"I told you it ain't no gang, Tate, damn."
"So what is it?"
"Nah, Tate, get out, I don't wanna talk to you innit."
"I'm-."
"You what bruh? You gonna tell Ren, is that it? Ay fuck you then."
I get up and I want to punch him. "You're scared and you're not telling me why. Is someone after you or something?"
"You're just on my case for nothing!" he shouts at me, "Just fuck off!"
"You better not do anything stupid."
He doesn't say anything. He just sits there with his fists clenched. So I go. I don't need this.