If I Should Be Quite Honest

5

Taron doesn't bat an eye at me even though I didn't talk to him since I saw him. He just drives us home. They all talk to him at once, making me clench my teeth and wish God hadn't given them mouths. Ollie tries to embarrass me by saying I wear the same shirt to bed every night, but Taron just smiles at me, saying, "Recycling's good."
I smile a little back, even though Ollie is chatting utter shite. I don't wear the same shirt every night. I have two.

He seems fascinated by my home, even though it smells like burnt toast, forgotten promises and thick paint. The outside wasn't any better. On this estate, there was more rubbish on the ground and spilling out of mouths than actual people. The dog came bounding up to him the moment we are through the door and he doesn't mind. He chuckles. I stand there, not knowing why. He looks at a picture of me on the wall, when I was like eight, and there was a gap in my row of teeth. I was smiling so wide I knew I couldn't possibly have been happy. What did I ever have to be happy about? The fact that I didn't have tits yet? I wasn't disappointing my mother? I must have been forced to smile that wide.

"You look so cute," he says and I know he's kidding me. I glare at him, not finding mockery funny. He smirks, kissing me. I nearly slap him. I didn't like that one. Because half my siblings were there. Amara went, "Umm! They kissed!"

He plays football with my brothers and Evie outside, down by the parked cars. I watch from the balcony, until I've had my fill. I wasn't interested in watching it anymore. If I wanted to see him sweat, I'd fuck him again.
I had to convince myself I didn't want to yesterday. Not for any reason, just because I felt like it wouldn't be good if I did it.

I went into the kitchen, Amara sitting on the counter, swinging her skinny little legs, "You have a boyfriend!" she sang. If she was seven years older, I would have pushed her into the sink.
"He's nice," Ren said.
"He's cute," Haven remarked, nudging me.
"He's the year below you, Haven," Ren rolled her eyes.
"So? If I wanted, I totally would," she said, almost defensively.
"I hope he's nice to you," Ren says, checking on the casserole. I hate casserole, but I can't complain. I could buy my own food. But I didn't.
"He is," I say.
"Good."
"Has he tried anything with you?" Haven asks, playing bad cop.
I roll my eyes, setting Amara down and watching her run off. I didn't want her to hear this anyway.
"Back off," I say, but Haven grabs my arm.
"Have you fucked, Tatiana?" she asks, slightly harsh, but she sounds more worried and concerned. She only called me Tatiana when she felt she must.
I don't answer, sticking to my oath to never lie again.
"Leave me alone," I say.
"Leave her alone," Ren seperates us, swatting Haven with the dishcloth. Haven raises a hand to Ren's face, dismissing her.
"I can see it on her face," Haven claims. I raise a brow. I have the most resting bitch face you'll ever see. I had yet to see what she could.
"See what?"
"That's she's fucked."
Ren looks at me, but then looks back at Haven, "Shut up, so have you, so have I."
"I thought you were smarter than that," Haven shakes her head at me. She's not one to judge me, but I felt terribly judged right then. She obviously still had this inclination to trust in my intelligence. When you think you like or love someone, it isn't that easy to remember how smart you are. You are only focusing on how much you think you can put someone else's needs above your own.

I want to walk out, but I stand my ground. I don't like running away from problems. I rather liked looking the problems in the eye and refusing to properly address them instead.
"I didn't think you would ever shame me because of that," I tell her, truthfully. I was rather disappointed. If anything, Ren was the one who would expect more from me. Haven would normally ask if I was ok.
Haven sighs, but tips her head on one side, "You're right," she said, looking slightly ashamed, "That's not very sisterly of me." She smiles at me, gently. "Welcome to the club," she finally says, the corner of her lip flickering.
"Thanks," I say. She smooths my hair.
"Did you like it?"
I shrug. Can anyone truly like anything? Especially nowadays? I know I didn't. I didn't know how to like things the same way I didn't know how to love Taron. It wasn't complicated, per say. Just a little confusing. I didn't think I was out of this earth to repeatedly analysing whether or not I like things. I'd like to think these things were just feelings. You'd just know. Instantly. Like a snap, or a crack of lightning. You'd just know. And if you have to think about it, it probably wasn't to your liking.
"I hope you used protection," Ren raised a brow at me.
I nod, "Sure."
She frowned, narrowing her eyes at me, "Sure?"
My eyes widen, "We did, I mean."
She nodded, "Good, now help me make the salad."