If I Should Be Quite Honest

14

"I called you yesterday," Ren pulled me aside in the morning, crossing her arms, so I knew she was supposed to be mad. I'm going to try and not act smart today. Or "difficult."
I answer honestly too, "I didn't see any calls from you."
"You're lying."
"I'm not," I tell her. Truly, when you're with someone you really like and someone who really interests you, there's less inclination to go on your phone.
"It's because you were with Taron," she says, but she keeps her voice low, as if she's trying to do me a favour by not embarrassing me in front of the others like she had done before. I didn't care about that anymore, I guess. Hiding things from people wasn't something I liked to do, but I couldn't help it most times. Shout at me in front of everyone, I don't care. But, Ren wentboverboard thevother day, as if I was so reckless and terrible, that I'd put a guy over my family. I guess I hid things and most of my life and feelings from them, because I knew certain information would unsettle them. That was why I took my time with releasing information about myself to them. Sometimes, I didn't think they cared much actually. About anything I was doing. I was percievable, without the in depth. They ignore me quite a bit. Its not even to do with being a middle child. I was boring, I suppose, because I didn't talk. Because I was repressive. I always did what I was told, without much question. I was on the sidelines, near painted on the wall, while my siblings were the main characters. I suppose, in a way, Jacoh was right about Ren being stressed and she reached her breaking point with me. ,maybe. I, however, think she is mad at me because I'm the only one who has never really questioned her and suddenly, her yes man had a life of her own and wanted to be a part of it. I look at her, and she's talking, low and hushed, her eyes glaring. I stare back, analysing the hairs on her face.
I wanted to tell them things. I really did. But, really, I was never going to tell any of my brothers that I had had sex. Would you? It isn't fair now we villinise girls for doing it, just how we villinise men for not getting it, or getting why girls can have sex just like they can, but its warranted. Too many times we see men ostracise women or girls for doing things completely within their rights, and normal.
"Huh?" I dint think I was listening.
"I hope you weren't having sex yesterday," she asks of me, face close. I take a step back.
"Ren, what the fuck?" I ask, "What's that got to do with anything?"
"So you were-."
"No!" I say, "I honestly didn't know you called," I bring out my phone from my pocket, and discover I had turned it off. I show her, "Sorry."
She sighed at me, "I do worry sometimes."
"Why? You knew where I was. Didn't Haven tell you?" I questioned.
"Yeah but-."
"Do you not want me to spend time with my boyfriend, Ren? Because I won't if you really think I shouldn't," I tell her. It's true. Even though we're not in a particularly hot spot with each other, I'd still do whatever she commanded me to. I look at her properly, seeing her. She was sad. And I wasnt helping. Even if she was wrong. And I wasnt. In a way, she had always been my mother. And real mothers always found their way back into your heart even after they piss you off. She was just five years older than me, almost six, and should live a life of her own, but she lived for us and I reminded myself of that intentionally. To reassert to myself that this wouldn't be forever. That one day, things would be different for us. And we'd probably not like that.
"Don't be stupid," she eventually said, "I just don't know if I can have the kids here without you," she says, "I-."
"Count on me, I know," I say, and she looks almost startled. Yet, she smiles slightly. Like she's trying to stop herself.
"I'm glad you know that. We're taking Saturday off anyway. Me and Jacob. We can't trust her, Tate."
"We, or you?"
"Tate."
"Ok, ok." I'm just glad, because I know Jacob had spoken to her like he said he would.
"And keep your phone on," she tells me.
"Ok."
"And I hope you're not having sex. I mean it," she raises a brow.
"Ren, back off," I want to shoulder past her, but she's glaring at me now.
"I mean it."
"I'm not going to get pregnant."
"That's neither here nor there."
I frown. Why was she talking like that? Like an old woman.
"Stay focused."
"I am focused."
I am.