If I Should Be Quite Honest

13

My siblings are weird around me the next morning.
I don't blame them.
Well, I blame one of them.
I don't even feel like having breakfast anymore, abandoning my bowl of cereal with a sigh. I feel like crying as I shrug on my backpack, and storm out of the kitchen. It's so weird. I hate how some people view a girl being sexual as wrong. The mere utterance makee everyone feel on edge. Your secret has to be a secret and if someone uses it against you like Ren had to me, suddenly you're poisonous. You're looked at like an oddity. Like you're something delicate. Something sensitive, like a nuclear bomb, something to be untouched. And if someone does touch you, people suddenly don't know how to act around you. As if you're a flickering flame, ready to engulf a bitch. The sheer idea that a girl can be sensual in any way scares some of us. Ollie and the younger ones may not know exactly what Ren had meant, but I was pretty certain the others were going to be on edge around me now. Jacob is probably disappointed in me. Remi already hates conflict and trouble. Jae would avoid me, too embarrassed to be around me anymore. They'll never talk to me the same anymore, will they? Because I'm ruined now. Impure. Wrong.
I wasn't any different. Was I? Are my brothers going to start treating me differently because of it? Are my sisters going to try and figure out what wrong with me? They were looking at me as if I had a disease.
I expect no one to come after me, maybe just Haven, but it's Jacob who does. He shuts the door after himself, telling me to stop walking. I do, but I still feel embarrassed. Awkward. Wrong. On display.
"Tate, come on," he says gently, even though I'm not even respecting him by looking at him. I keep my back turned.
"Come on where?" I ask, a little rudely.
He takes his time, "I don't like how you're skipping breakfast," was what he said.
I frown, mad, "Oh cut the bullshit," I say, even though I don't want to be saying that to him. He's not the one I'm mad at. "You're angry at me," I say, trying to keep my voice from wobbling. I never wanted Jacob to be mad at me. If anything was wrong, it would be that.
When I turn, Jacob is looking confused, "Why would I be angry at you?"
I wish he wouldn't be dumb like that. "You probably think I'm a slag," I say, but quietly. I hate that word, but that's probably what I am. Probably. "You're going to be weird around me now."
"You're not a slag," he tells me. "And even if you were, I wouldn't be angry at you for that. You've done worse things."
I have.
"As long as. . .," now he looks uncomfortable, "as long as you wanted to do it. That no one forced you to."
"No," I tell him, awkwardly looking at my awkward feet with my awkward eyes, "Nobody forced me to do anything."
"Ok," he says, rubbing his arm, "That's good."
I give him a look, "So we're good?"
"We're good," he nods.
"Things won't be weird?"
He looks unsure, "I'm never going to get used to you. . .doing that," he admitted, "but, I'll try to make things not weird." That's good to hear, "Just make sure you're being. . .responsible and safe. And if you're ever in trouble, you'll come tell me right?"
By trouble, he means pregnancy. I'm sure.
I nod.
"No, you have to promise me."
I hesitate. I dont want to bother him. Ever. I'd rather let myself burn just so he wont be stressed out. But he's looking at me in that way in which he isn't playing a game. I have to do as he says. "I promise."
"Good," he pauses, "you can ask me things too. . .if you want, that is."
I make a face, suspicious, "What sort of things?"
He flushes slightly, making a face too, "Actually, I think we should just hold off on all that. Just for now,"
"Agreed," I say, quickly. There's a silence. Its bothering me. Things are never awkward between me and my brother. I hate it. I think of something to say, quickly. "When do you think Ren will stop hating me?"
"Maybe later. Tomorrow?" he shrugs. "You know Ren."
"Nah," I say, "Jacob, this was different."
He looks like he knows that, "She's just. . ."
"Jacob, I dont really want to hear more excuses. It isn't fair and you know it. She's acting like I'm trying to break us up, as if I'm the one leaving." I didn't say it harshly, but it didn't sting any less.
And I realise I wasn't being fair either. Now, I sounded just like Ren. Jacob wanted a life outside of this too. He couldn't stay here forever.
He looked at me with a hard face, "That wasn't cool Tate, and you know that."
I'm quiet for a moment more, "I-."
"Shes just stressed," he says, "We all have our limits. I guess you were just the one who just so happened to mess with the natural order of things as she was reaching that breaking point, Tate."
"I just want go be normal, Jacob. I want to -." He puts a hand up.
"I know," he says, understanding. He knows. He knows I just want to stop living like there's something to wait for. We cant live that way. Not in this flat anyway. If we want something, we have to go and get it. Things dont just come to us. "I'll talk to her, ok?"
I nod, wanting to turn and get to school, but I stop myself again, before I forget, "I didn't mean to be rude," I tell him, as sort of an apology to him.
He looks unfazed, "That ok. I know."
I put my arms around him. I wish he wasn't the one going.
He pats my back, "You have to eat something now."