If I Should Be Quite Honest

10

Jae survives and Ren comes to get us for good measure. As we go to the car, one big lad walks past and walks into Jae. He did it deliberately, I could tell. I studied him. Tall, brown hair, Adidas bag. He had this ugly sneer, distinctive.
He walked away, glancing back. I looked at my brother who looked at his feet now, "Was that one of them?" I asked him.
He didn't answer me, but I knew for myself now. He sat in the passenger seat, while I sat in the back with Haven and Ollie sat behind us with his ball. Even though he can't see me, as we drive down to get Remi, I stare at the back of his head, with a strong glare.
Like I said, we learn a lot of things too late, but it's hard, when you never truly know when to get involved. He was my brother, but I couldn't force him to open up. I couldn't force him to tell me things.

I get home and drink some cranberry juice. Moments later, my mouth tastes like I've just consumed ketchup. I don't do anything about it though. I'm not hungry either. I go to my room and lay on my bed. There's nothing for me to do. And it's completely my fault. Firstly, I 've done all my homework. Secondly, Taron wanted to hang out today but I told him I couldn't. He sort of rolled his eyes in a bitchy way, like Evie, and walked away. I guess you could say I wasn't being particularly nice to him, in a way I didn't truly know how. It was like I wanted to tell him things, but I just couldn't. A barrier was there, still, for whatever reason. I couldn't even truly call him my boyfriend. We hadn't even established anything. Things weren't certain. He just kisses me and I kiss him and he drives me to work and I watch his games and we talk and call and we sit together at lunch or break and in class. I do half those things with Hayden and Grayson. I like Taron. I really do. I just. . .
I didn't know if he felt as hot about me meeting his parents now. I hoped not.
I don't want him to hate me, but I wasn't in the mood for anyone.
Jacob comes to check on me. He knocks, politely, and I say he can come in. I don't care. Monday's his day off, because, and I quote, "Nobody wants to work on Monday," and he crouched by my bed and looked at me.
"Is it the boyfriend?"
"No," I sigh, "It's me," I say, "It's always me."
"Can you tell me why you're being mopey."
"I wouldn't call it mopey."
"I would. Everything ok?"
"Yes."
"Is it your job? The new family nice?"
"Eh," I shrug the best I can as I'm lying down. I wasn't ready to quit yet, if that was any consolation.
"School good?" He continues.
"Yes."
"Anybody giving you a hard time?"
"Did Ren send you?"
In truth, Mr Jones was giving me sort of a hard time. Maybe because I wouldn't speak to him or interact in class anymore. He gave me my essays back and went about his business. I put my hand up to ask to go to the toilet and he said no in that snarky teacher way that he was never supposed to use as the nice teacher. Grayson had really gotten in my head, and that knee touch didn't help either. It felt as he might as well be lifting up my skirt like Taron did. He ignored me and I tried not to feel bad, especially because Grayson whispered in my ear that it wasn't my fault, that grown men acted that way when they didn't get what they wanted. I wanted to believe him. Especially since Grayson, himself, acted that way with Carla sometimes. Yes. I'm sure this is a deeper conversation. I am certain. But like I said, I can't teach.
I wanted to believe him. Honest. I tried. Anything to make my chest not hurt this way.
And Carla-. Actually, I don't want to talk about Carla. She just still wouldn't talk to me.

"I sent myself," Jacob asserted to me.
"Ok."
"You know you can say anything right?"
I nodded. But I didn't know I was the one who needed to say something.
"Do you have to go?" I asked him. He looked conflicted for a time before he realised what I meant.
He smiled softly, "Yes," he said, "I have to."
"Do you need to?"
"I have to."
"But do you need to?"
"Tate," he said, "Yes."
I always tried to suss out the needs and wants, only because there was a fine line between them, but even a fine line can make all the difference.
I wasn't a child. I couldn't act this way. Once Jacob left, we'd still have Ren. Ren wouldn't go and join the army or the navy, unless she had had enough of us. So much that she's take any way out. She couldn't go to uni because we didn't have any money to send her. And, even though she wouldn't say it, she'd rather die than have us take out a loan. A loan that she'd be paying back fro the rest of her life. Her excuse, just to make us feel better, was that she just wasn't "academic enough." Perhaps it was true.
Maybe not.
Maybe I wouldn't go. I'd work full time, be a full time 'nanny,' or babysitter or whatever they wanted to call it and I'd make more money and this time, all of it would go into the house. Haven already said she wasn't going to go, solely, and I quote, like she literally said this: because she'd act like we didn't exist and never call us, leaving us "miserable," so I guess it's only fitting I don't go either. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe if I decided now, I wouldn't feel so guilty about how much intelligence leaves my body every passing day. I peaked sometime. Sometime I won't remember. And then, I started to think about things that didn't need thinking about, like how I forgot to keep my brain healthy and didn't eat my five a day, and paid less attention to my numbers and more attention to the fact that my mother hadn't been home since yesterday and....I could keep going, but it wouldn't make me any smarter. It didn't work then, it won't work now.
"Sorry," I say, "I'm annoying you."
"Just a little bit," he chuckled, "Wanna watch NBA?"
"Nah," I say, "I'm kinda tired."
So he left me, and I actually slept.

For about five seconds.