threadbare ♠ [sequel to FRENCH BENEFITS]

02/ In The Name of Tragedy

* DISCLAIMER: Contains explicit language, drug use, violent references, sexual content.

June 29, 2002

Currently, Sam, Hanna, Mandy and I are having a girls' night out. I wanted to talk to them about possibly getting the band back together, or as a last resort, doing it on my own.

"So, when you're all healed up, do you plan on returning on tour with your solo thing?" Mandy asked.

"Yes. I already have a good bit written. Of course, that's just demo shit but still, I'd like to possibly work on stuff with people I haven't seen in a long time. Possibly even some newer artists. I even considered returning to Finland for a while," I tried to be casual about my statement, but none of them are taking it lightly.

"By yourself? Alice! You're not fully healed. That is one hell of a journey-" Sam started, but I interrupted her.

"It's just a thought, dude. I'm tired of being depressed all the fucking time. That isn't me!"

"Well you know we're here for you, sweetie. But you're not taking off to Finland until you're healed!" Hanna sipped her drink, making her point final.

I pick at my fries on the plate. "I just feel like I'm losing myself more – not finding myself. I knew losing my memories would fuck me up, but not like this... Is happiness a club I'll never get into?"

"Honey, no way. Your happiness is coming. Believe that. You just have to... ya know, let people in," Mandy added a wink, suggesting I would know what she meant by that.

"Plus, I hate to be this way, but goddammit Sam! I feel like you want nothing to do with me, and we've been so close most of our lives. I might have fucked up things for you on the tour and you tell me you don't blame me, but I can't remember so it isn't exactly fair for you to blow me off like I mean nothing to you,"

That apparently struck a nerve with her.

"Alice, I love you to fucking death. But it's so hard for me to be around you anymore. You have a heart of gold but when it comes to men, you're so incredibly selfish. You'll take whatever you want and throw them out as if their feelings don't matter. You took something from me. You were supposed to help me when things went south in my relationship. Instead, you blew Sid off and started fucking Corey for months, knowing he was in fucking love with you!"

"Sam, stop," Mandy tried but Sam wasn't having it.

"No. I won't fucking stop. She needs to know! I know you're fucked up mentally right now but so am I! I wanted to marry that man. But you just had to have your way. Then you just randomly tell him to fuck off and come back to me because I'm pregnant. Well, it was a little too late for you to give a fuck, Alice. He didn't want me. I could tell by the way he looked at me. He's just too good of a guy to abandon a child. Even now! I lost that baby or ours, and he still chooses to pursue you! How the fuck do you think I can be around you when that's what you've got? Every guy in your corner. All I wanted was to be happy with someone I love. But you get that, instead. I'm glad you lost Sid. And I'm glad you don't remember Corey. Maybe you never will!"

With that, Sam stood up and left the bar. I can't say anything. I can't even feel anything. If everything she said is true, then I really don't deserve happiness. And I sure as hell don't deserve to heal and be successful.

"Alice don't listen to her. She's just really having a hard time with everything," Hanna placed her hand on top of mine, but I pull my hand away.

"Don't coddle me. She's right. I'm just fucked up and selfish. I'm sorry,"