threadbare ♠ [sequel to FRENCH BENEFITS]

04/ Fail Me

* DISCLAIMER: Contains explicit language, drug use, violent references, sexual content.

July 15, 2002 · Black Sheep Bar · East Des Moines, Iowa

"We've been gone for so long, setting up the stage feels so foreign,"

I've talked Hanna into letting me perform a small show tonight. I miss music so much and being that I can't remember the last tour cycle, it feels like forever since I've played a live show.

"We? Honey, I think you mean just yourself," Hanna patted me on the back.

Right... I'm the only one who forgot.

"Thank you for being here with me tonight. It means more than you know," I hug her tightly and continue setting up.

Since I've gotten out of the hospital, I've been playing a lot more acoustic guitar and not so much bass.

"Well, as hard a time I give you, I think this will be good for you. Get yourself back out there," She pushed me towards the stage.

My nerves are at an all-time high. Can I even do this anymore? What if there's other damage that's been done and I forget how to play? So far everything has gone really smooth so I don't see where that would be an issue.

"Tonight, we have a very special guest. Miss Alice Morgana, of Kuolematon Sielun!"

The previous artist, whose name was Adam, announced me as he left the stage. He wished me good luck as he passed by.

Taking a deep breath, I slowly walk out onto the stage with my acoustic hanging from my thin body.

"Good evening," All other words that I know left me and I decide just to leave my greeting at that.

I begin strumming lightly, giving the old beat up guitar a quick tuning. I had some new songs I've written in the past week ready in my head, but now that I'm up here all alone, I'm not sure exactly how to proceed.

Panic starts to set in and as I look over the few people in the bar, my eyes fall to Hanna, and she gives me thumbs up and it eases my nerves enough to begin playing a song.

"My temple, my tabernacle, bled around me / Stained glass, once beautiful / Broken to pieces, strewn around me / Screaming, I'm singing from my alter of illusion / I'd rather be a martyr than a soul without a cause / Curse my temple / A house of worship / You're still praying / A movement broken / And if my eyes, they fail me, like you do / I would gouge them out / And if my tongue, it fails me, like you do / I would cut it out / My eyes – you will fail me / Faithless – left me / Curse your glass eyes / My temple, dead around me / Now I've got the image I lost."

"So, I'm not sure if this is really my style or your type – but I have been out of music for longer than I care to think about. So how about helping me feel a little more at home while I play an older song from my band, and you fine people let me know how it sounds?"

I try coaxing the many drunken people filling this bar. They're staring at me but not really acting like they're loving what they hear. Was this a mistake?

"It's overtaken / Obsessed with faking / I'm blind / Looking at my own reflection / There's nothing changing / When I'm overtaken / The sound of your voice in my head / Cause I know, I can't let go / Am I just dead and lonely? / I'm stuck and incomplete / Still I know I must - / Carry on, leave it all behind / Obsessed with faking / You know I'm broken inside / Looking at my own reflection / Am I lost? / Walking backwards to the sound of your voice in my head / I'm stuck and incomplete / Still I know I must - / Carry on, carry on / Leave it all behind / I'll pretend I'm alright / And what I need you can't remove / You don't feel the same as I do / Guess I burned myself today / Carry on, carry on / Leave it all behind / Carry on when you're wrong / Am I dying inside? / Close my eyes to remind how you look when you smile / Carry on when you're wrong / I'll pretend I'm alright / Carry on, carry on."