Flowers Are My Feelings

2

Yohan was Junho's second crush. As he realized his feelings for his best friend, he knew the other would never answer them.

Eunsang already had someone. Someone special, someone who wasn't him.

The image of that person came to his mind. Both of them looked so happy together.

At the beginning, he thought falling in love with Yohan would help him get over Eunsang.

It didn't.

~

They met in high school. Eunsang just found his boyfriend, Kang Minhee.

As the boy talked about how they were like soulmates, all Junho could do was to smile and pretend.

He supported them, of course. Minhee was always kind to him and he wanted both of them to be happy.

Maybe he already knew they would be together for many years.

He met Yohan under a cherry tree. This time, the older was the one sitting there, simply reading as Junho approached.

He didn't know someone was there until he saw the older.

Junho began turning around, seeing that someone was already there but Yohan stopped him.

The teenager laughed and gestured at Junho to sit down. The younger hesitated before slowly sinking down beside the other.

"Hi."

"Hi."

Yohan smiled and introduced himself. Junho let out a small smile.

"I'm Cha Junho."

—

Junho realized that maybe that was also the same time he fell in love with Minhee.

How weird and twisted he was for liking his best friend and boyfriend.

They were still together, in fact, the two of them sat in front of him right now.

He knew it was a mistake to follow them on their coffee date. He guessed they were guilty for dragging him with since they included him into the conversation ( or at least tried ).

He still felt like the third wheel, only answering when he needed. He was relieved they didn't notice how pale he was, or how shaky his hands were.

Junho's breath caught in his throat as Eunsang gave Minhee a kiss, the other giggling softly.

Smiling warmly, almost sadly, he found it hard to breathe. Minhee turned to face him and he immediately smiled again, this time forcing himself to look happy.

"Is something wrong?"

Junho shook his head.

"Nah, just the usual. I feel like the third wheel here."

Minhee pouted and Eunsang laughed.

"I just can't wait until ChaCha gets his own boyfriend!"

Ah. Boyfriend?

Junho didn't think he could ever be loved.

He smiled at them.

"Yeah, maybe one day."

—

Yohan, just like Eunsang, was one of the few people who didn't see him as a robot.

Maybe that's why it was easy to fall in love.

When he was with the older, he always felt at ease. And as time went, he even forgot Eunsang and his heartbreak.

Yohan was kind. The older helped him to get better with feelings, showing him how to react in situations. Junho was fascinated of the older, how popular he was and his constantly growing friend groups.

They were two different persons. Of course Yohan would look at him like he saw the older.

He was broken when he saw Yohan with Seungwoo. Maybe deep down, he wasn't as surprised as he should have been.

Who could fall in love with him anyways?

He noticed it way before those two did. Junho has cried himself to sleep that night, just wanting to disappear.

The pain was unbearable.

Even if he was hurting, his heart broken twice, he knew that Yohan would be happy. As long as the older was happy, he was too.

He pushed the two towards each other. He told Eunsang and his best friend helped him. All it took was too late them into a date.

Yohan's friends were happy to help.

It had always been like that. It was Eunsang's or Yohan's friends. Only those two were his real friends and Minhee, who talked to him sometimes.

Maybe he was just in the way.

The day Seungwoo and Yohan announced they were official, he forced himself to smile. After all, he was used to faking.

And he was sick of it.

Junho passed out later that night after taking the sleeping pills. That night, he slept dreamlessly without the voices haunting him.

You will never be enough.

—

Junho fell down on his bed with his face first.

The day was exhausting, watching Eunsang and Minhee together. His face hurt from forcing a smile so many times.

He stopped crying long time ago. There was no use of it anymore. He was used to taking pills and when he ran out, he cried himself to sleep.

He sighed and looked at the mirror across his room. A tired, monotone face looked back at him.

Was that the real him?

He laughed bitterly. Maybe the voices were right.

He looked like a robot.

Curling up and wrapping his arms around his legs, Junho stared at the roof.

He was just so, so tired. He wanted to fall asleep over forever, to just forget the pain. A cough made his body shudder violently and he covered his mouth to stop it.

Go to sleep.

Junho closed his eyes.

—

"Are you okay?"

Junho looked up to see a smiling Yohan looking down at him.

"Yeah."

He accepted the hand and Yohan helped him up on his feet.

"Congrats hyung. You finally got your crush."

Yohan blushed when Junho smiled gently. On the other side of the road, Seungwoo called at them, smiling at Yohan.

"I wish you all happiness hyung."

Yohan just smiled and shook his head.

"I want to meet your boyfriend Junho-ah. Some beautiful day, you will also experience that love."

Junho smiled but didn't answer. If Yohan only knew what love did to him.

The older began crossing the road, making his way to his boyfriend. He left Junho to stare at his back.

Junho sighed. He wasn't surprised anymore. Yohan, just like Eunsang broke him and left him behind to stare at their backs.

They left him alone.

—

Now when he thinks back and remembers, maybe he should have crossed that road and let a car drive over him.

But the pain wasn't done with him yet.

He coughed.