Blunt

Jin

I might look like I am calm and collected, but I feel as if someone had gutted me and taken out my insides and put them through a meat grinder before putting them back. I always knew that Namjoon had had a hard childhood, but never in my wildest dream would I have thought about all the things he has just revealed.
I can feel his eyes boring into me, but I cant bring myself to look up at him.
Not without breaking out into sobs that so desperately want to leave me. And right now, I know I cant do that. Because then that would lead to a sequelae where neither him nor me can back out of acknowledging the fact that we still have feelings for each other. And today is not the day I wanna go down that road.
Every day, for the past 2 years and 5 months and some 14 days, all I have prayed for, with all of my heart, is that Joonie, my love would come back to me and tell me that he still wants me, loves me.
But NOT TODAY..! Why did he have to come today?
All my resolve to stay away from him goes down the drain when he says, "I lost Tae, you know. And it broke me. But I was already broken, because I left you. Never think that I dont love you Jin. Because I have never loved anyone more than I love you. But when I saw Tae's broken body, it was so painful that I wished that I were dead too."
His voice was so quiet, soft. Like even mentioning all of this was like a walk down memory lane, where he was forced to live through the horror all again.
I hug him. I pull him in and hug him tight. So tight that I can feel all of my feelings transferring, seeping into it. All of the regret, self doubt, guilt and sadness just pours into that single hug. It's been so long since I have hugged or touched him, that when his scent wraps around me, the waterworks that I had kept at bay start with a vengeance.
I sob into his arms. I sob for him.  I sob for his loss. I sob for myself. I sob for the relationship we could have had. I sob because I still love this man with every fibre of my being.
His hands are moving on my back, coaxing me. His own tears are flowing freely. I hug him all the more tightly, trying to close as much of the gap between us as physically possible.
His hand makes its way to the back of head, fingers in my hair, holding me so.
We sit like that until all of my tears have dried.
I pull back then, and try to gather myself together.
"I am sorry for your loss, Joon-ah. I don't know what else I can say, but I truly am sorry. I wish things were different. What you have been through cannot be denied. But I need you to understand, that my pain is true as well. It might not be as deep as you, but it is there. I have gone through heartbreak, Joon-ah. Because thats what you did to me. You broke my heart. And you broke it thoroughly."
Sniffling, I keep my eyes trained to my hands in my lap again, before continuing, "You telling me all this now..It makes me question something, Joon-ah. Did not trust me enough? Was my love so insufficient for you, that you would think me incapab-"
His fingers on my lips stop me from completing the sentence.
"As I said before, baby, never and I mean, NEVER, question my love for you. Or my trust!" He cocks his head to a side to emphasize.
I nod, but the tears start afresh. Because I cannot know if he is telling me the truth or not.
"I can see some doubt still there in your eyes, baby." He moves closer, his eyes searching my face. When he gets within an inch of my face, he removes his fingers from my lips.
His breath is hot on my lips. He moves closer, our lips almost touching, but nearly not close enough.
My breath hitches in anticipation. My mind is screaming for me to push him away, or to move back, but the rest of my body seems to have lost connection with it. His fingers trace my lower lip, gently.
I shouldn't be letting him back so easily. I should argue with him, throw in a fight. I know I should, but my heart has taken over my rationality.
And at the moment, and for every moment since I had met this big dumb idiot, all that my heart has wanted is him.
So I close my eyes, bring my hands up around his neck, close the hair's breadth distance between us, and finally connect our lips.