journalism | zorbyn ✓

entry forty-five

i was going through some old stuff today in our attic buried under piles of old junk and found this journal. it seems so sacred, so intimate, that i almost feel bad for writing in it.

as i flipped through the pages and relived some of the moments, i'm not gonna lie, it brought tears to my eyes. i mean, in this journal, some of the best days of our lives were written down.

i know my life changed forever when i met you. little did i know that the day we met, i would meet my best friend, my soulmate, my other half, my partner in crime, and the best person the world has ever seen.

but... life changes. things happen. the world keeps spinning. we got old and gray and we all know how life works out for the old and gray.

reading through this journal makes me miss you so, so fucking much. thank you for spending your life with me. i want you to know that i've never met someone like you, and the world will never know a soul like yours.

i also want you to know that not a damn day goes by where i don't think about you. god, what i wouldn't give to hold you in my arms or kiss you one last time. you were and are my everything. you always will be.

i remember as i saw you in the hospital bed for the last time.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

the doctors had told me that you didn't have much time left, that nature would take its course soon enough. you looked so weak, so helpless, but you smiled at me. i sat down next to you in a hospital chair and took your wrinkled hand in mine.

"why are you smiling, bub?" i asked, on the verge of tears. the heartbeat monitor was slowing steadily.

"because," you started, your voice cracky and hoarse. "why not?" you rubbed your thumb over my knuckles softly. a tear slipped from my eye, landing in my lap. i smiled a little too. you always were quite the ray of sunshine.

"y-you know i love you, right?" i said softly, tears starting to flow. the heartbeat monitor got even slower.

"i... know," you replied slowly. "i love you more than you'll ever know."

i couldn't help it. by now, i was crying. on the verge of sobbing. this was your end.

"c'mon, don't- don't act like that," you told me. "it's gonna... be okay."

"i'll be okay," i nodded, wiping the tears with the back of my hand. i wanted to act strong for you. i wanted your last memory of me to be one where you saw me being strong for you one last time.

"that's my baby," you sighed. you squeezed my hand weakly, closing your eyes. "thank you... for everything."

"i-i'll always love you," i cried. "y-you should get some rest bubs."

i squeezed your hand again and you just barely squeezed back.

"i... i love you... forever... corbs," you mumbled.

"i-" i started.

flatline.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

you are my world. and you will always have my heart. the day i lost you was the hardest day of my life. i'm still grieving and it's been almost a year. my heart aches every second you're gone.

but... i know you're looking after me. you're in a place where nothing on earth can ever hurt you. i hope you're happy. your happiness is all i could ever want.

i know my time is coming too. i can hardly wait to join you. i'm living life as best i can until that day comes because i know that's what you'd want me to do. you wouldn't want me to sit around waiting to die.

i wanna make you proud. and sometimes, i feel like you're smiling down on me. sometimes it's like i can feel you still with me.

i love you, zach. thank you for keeping this journal full of so many memories for all these years. i can't explain how much i miss you every day. i'll see you soon enough, my love.

it's me and you forever.

~ corbyn <3
5.26.86
sunday
10:32 pm