Tales of Emerald Steel

I've lost enough already

"Come on J'onn!" shouted Oliver as he was training with the martian

"Oliver, you have been at it for two hours. You should go and rest."

"I don't feel like resting."

"I know. But the guilt won't just evaporate, even if you demolish a third punching bag today."

"Then what am I supposed to do? You know what I did! You know just how I messed up. It's the worst thing I've ever done since I arrived here!

"You have been here for two years now Oliver, ever since you just appeared in that wormhole. But you're a DEO agent now. You know that for us, especially for humans, it's often killing or be killed."

"But I still did it! And you-"

"I was about to be killed! Oliver, without you, we probably wouldn't even be here talking! You saved my life"

"But because of that, Kara hates you now! I mean, there must have been another way!"

"Maybe, but we won't ever know now. And I couldn't let you lose the relationship you have built with her. You're the only one that was able to make her smile since Alex died in that plane crash."

"Right... Okay, just one more round, and I'll go rest a bit."

J'onn sighed but nodded "If that what it takes, then bring it"

Oliver swung at him again, once again letting in frustration that the guilt was building inside of him. Suddenly, a whoosh of air came from the door of the training room. They stopped and saw Kara, standing there with her arms crossed over her chest.

She stepped into the room and cleared her throat, clearly not completely over her aunt's death. However, her very presence here, in the same room then J'onn, proved by itself how strong she was, or at least trying to be. This made Oliver's heart hurt more, now a maelstrom of guilt, pride, sadness, and self-loath. How could he ever make up for what he had done to her? He had killed her aunt, one of the very few things of Krypton that she had. 

She looked up at J'onn, a mix of sadness, and maybe even numbness in her normally cheery blue eyes. "It's good to see you" was all J'onn said, playing the guilty party quite well.

Her eyes almost immediately went back sideways and she sighed. "Well, the world almost ended, as we weren't a team." She went up the few steps of the platform and continued "We needed each other, so... Personal feeling aside, I'm back."

Oliver just couldn't take it and turn away toward the door, his head low in shame. He took a few steps, all the while realizing just how weak he was compared to his girlfriend. Even though her grieve, she was ready to come back and help defend the planet.

"Stronger together" he heard J'onn say, probably earning a nod from the Kryptonian

 And as reach the step, he realized that someone with such strength, no matter what it would do to his relationship with her, deserved the truth. 

He went down the steps as if putting a little more distance between them would make the words "We're finished" or "I'm breaking up with you" take a little longer for them to reach his ears and crush his heart.

"Well, the first thing we need to do is assess if Vendigo's attack was related to Non's secret Myriad project or if the two are working to cross purposes-"

"I saw... Astra, standing over J'onn" Oliver started, making the two aliens turned toward her

"What?" asked Kara

"Oliver," said J'onn tried to stop him as he circled around Kara to see him

Oliver could simply shake his head, telling him that he had made up his mind. "He was defenseless" added Oliver, knowing there was no coming back from this

Kara looked at J'onn and Oliver knew she was catching up on what he was saying. When she turned her eyes toward him, the archer could see that she was already hurting from what she probably knew he was going to say.

"She said she was going to give him... an honorable death... And I reacted?" said Oliver, raising his hand slightly from his side, not knowing what to do

"I did what I learned to do in hell. I did what I trained to do."

At that point, Kara couldn't seem to keep looking at him, probably disgusted by what he had done. And he felt probably just as ashamed. She had spent so much time telling him not to kill, that even in a governmental organization, killing was not the way. And the first time he had to come back on this, was to kill her aunt. The last part of her family that she was ever going to interact with aside from her cousin. She was taking deep breaths and took some steps away.

"Hank didn't kill Astra..." Oliver summarized bluntly, knowing that saying it meant the end of his relationship with her. "I did...I did!"

He walked a little around the platform to try to see her face "And when... when you got there, he saw how devastated you were, he didn't want you to get angry, with me... He took the blame."

The martian closed his eyes, knowing that he couldn't say anything to make the situation better

"And I let him..." explained Oliver, meeting the disappointed blue eyes that his girlfriend was looking at him with "Because I was afraid!... Of losing you. And I can't lose you!" he said, his voice breaking a little "I love you! So much! You are the one that cleansed the darkness that I had developed in my world! You saved me! From myself! I'm sorry Kara! I'm so, sorry!"

Without surprising him, Kara walked down from the platform and went to the door. Even if he knew she hadn't left yet, Oliver didn't have the strength to look at her, incapable of meeting the furious eyes he was sure to see. He took deep breaths and tried to get his respiration under control but couldn't.

He shook his head, feeling like he had just lost everything because that's what had just happened. Kara had been his light for a long time. She had helped him so much and now he had betrayed her in the worst possible way. 

He was contemplating what to do when he was suddenly brought into a hug by Kara. For the first time in so long, Oliver cracked. Some would say that he had softened during his time in this world, but he didn't care at the moment.

"I've lost enough already," she said, her own voice shaking "My planet, my people, my parents, my sister... my aunt. I can't lose any more family."

"H-how? How can you forgive me?" he asked, returning the hug tightly

"I don't like what you did... But she was who she was. And she was about to kill J'onn. You haven't killed in so long, and the first time you did, it was to save someone."

"But it was-"

"My aunt, I know... And I loved her! She has always been kind to me. But she was trying to destroy this planet... She was my aunt, but she was also doing something evil. She was misguided..."

"I'm sorry Kara!" 

"I am too Oliver. I reacted so strongly... I shouldn't have made you hesitate to tell me the truth!"

"You were hurting Kara. You surely are still now. You can't blame yourself."

"As long as you don't blame yourself either."

"I'm trying. But it a hard habit to kick."

She actually chuckled a little and pulled a little away from the hug to look at him, a sad smile on her lips "Ain't that the truth! That, and your stubbornness, the fact that you always want to do every 'manly' thing by yourself even if you know I want and can help you without even sweating."

"Like you're not just as bad, Girl of steel! You're probably the most hardheaded person on this planet."

"You mean literally?" she asked cheekily

"Very funny..." he raised an eyebrow but smile nonetheless "I love you, Kara Danvers"

"And I love Oliver Queen. Don't ever forget that" she said as she laid down her head against his chest.

Oliver saw J'onn smile at the scene and go for the door. However, as he passed them, both Kara and Oliver reached for him, her on his forearm, him on his shoulder. She took his hand and brought him into a hug, Oliver passing an arm on the martian's shoulder.

'Yes,' he thought 'I can't lose any of these people either. I've lost enough already.'