MY CANDY | OUTSIDERS

𝟒 : 𝐟𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫

☹

|| we're constantly destroying
and rebuilding ourselves ||

— ☹ —

( this book has some sensitive topics to tw : suicidal thoughts, self harm, & depression )

  LOVE WAS absent in my life, nobody loved me like the way i wanted. my parents are gone, and all i have left is the gang. the gang was nice, but i wanted a friend, my mom. nobody listened to my problems, i could never rant to anybody. i'm not tough, and i'm not strong.
the imaginary people in my head throw rocks of insults and threats at me, how disgusting and ugly i am.

"gross, disgusting."
"ugly pig."
"go die, nobody would care."

it made my head spin, and i had nobody to help me. i was alone for once. there was silence in my head for a few seconds. it was like everyone was nonexistent, and i was in a state of unknown hatred of myself.
i made my way to the bathroom, taking out a small blade from the drawer. i dragged it across my skin, almost like drawing on a canvas, but scratching through it. numbness spread through my whole body. i dropped the blade on the counter, and crawled to the phone. i dialed all the numbers i could think of for my friends. none of them picked up, so i tried one last person. this person picked up, fortunately.
"hmm, what's up?" i heard a raspy voice, like they just woke up.
"help, before i do anything worse." i said, my voice shaking intensely, and with that i dropped the phone and hung up, watching it dangle on the cord.

i heard the door open ten minutes later, and i was still sitting on the floor, my back against the wall. you could see dry tear stains, along with more tears running down my face.
"what the fuck?! jesus christ, shit!"
i saw him darting down the hallway to me. dally, was here, and kneeled down next to me.
he grabbed my arms, examining every cut, and the blood.
"why the fuck, would you do this." he mumbled, picking me up to go clean off the blood. it stung a lot, but i didn't say a word. he set me on the couch after he finished cleaning me up. for a minute, we sat there in silence. then, in one swift motion, i hugged dally, and just cried. i could tell he was hesitant and didn't know what to do, but he wrapped his arms around me, stroking my hair.
as i calmed down, i pulled away, wiped my face, and looked at him in the eyes.
"you wanna talk about it, hun?" he said softly.
"it's like..." i hesitated.
"you don't have to if you don't want to."
i was thinking on how to describe how i felt.

"it's like a pretty flower. perfect, pristine, and beautiful, as it appears to others. but people pick on that flower, tearing every single petal off, while the flower still wants to be perfect, so that she can please everyone. until, there's one petal left and that petal is carrying the will to stay alive and not wilt."
i cracked a small smile, just to lighten the mood.
"sweetheart, it's okay to be vulnerable sometimes." he put his hand on my cheek.
i never saw dally this nice to me.
"thanks dal." i said sweetly.
this side of dallas was different, and i loved it.