Dark Secrets

Chapter 42

"You should have told him... Matteo isn't a little boy." Alec said after hearing everything from Hao and his friend sighed deeply in turn. "I know that too... and about what happened... with Devon... are you okay?" Hao was worried for Alec because he'd always worry about him because that’s what a brother did. Alec stared at the wall across from the bed and swallowed before he slightly shook his head. "Devon shouldn't have tried to protect me. I'm the leader of the team... I was supposed to protect him." Alec hated admitting that he was feeling but he definitely did, he felt bone crushing, suffering guilt. Guilt mixed with pain constantly swirling in his gut because someone had lost their life because of him. "That's not true... we are a team and a team protects each other. We protect our leader at all costs and we all know what the risk is." Hao knew that Alec would change places with Devon in a heart beat but who could resent him for that? Alec had gone through hell and Hao was almost sure that he had never found his way out. Alec really had nothing to live for and he never had found anything to hold onto. " we all deal with death and grief.. we all hurt on the inside and there’s things that break us. You just handle it a little different than others do." Hao added suddenly feeling bad for thinking about giving up on Alec because how could he ever let go of his brother by choice? Alec’s eyes started to wet thinking about Hao’s words and everything that Magnus has caused within him. "He killed Devon... he deserved it. The other guy was just collateral damage." Alec replied opening the bottle of bourbon and taking a swig feeling the Alcohol burn as it slid down his throat. Hao and Alec both sat on the bed side by side in Alec’s room drinking and trying to forget the failed Misson but they both knew no bourbon in the world could ever make them forget. "Matteo hates my job... and I hate to see him worry but how could I give up my dream. I worked so hard to become an agent and now I should somehow give everything up? He can't expect that of me can he?" Hao wasn't mad for Matteo’s outburst but he was more upset and scared to lose the one he loved just like Matteo was scared to lose him. "I don't think he hates your job... he hates how you treat him. He hates that you hide everything because you think he is too weak to handle it. He’s mad at you for making the decision of what he is and isn’t strong enough to know and what he can handle. He is mad that you risk your life without ever giving him a chance to tell you how much he loves you and he hates that you never promise to tell him when you’re supposed to come back. Instead you just leave and he always has to think about what could have happened if you got hurt? He isn't mad that your an agent... he’s mad that you don't tell him what you’re about to do." Alec explained not looking Hao in the as he somehow spilled all of Matteo’s inner thoughts and kept his eyes on a blank spot on the wall but Hao was looking at his friend stunned by his words. Alec might didn't seem like he was very good with words or good with understanding people but it was rather on the contrary. He understood people sometimes better than their closest friends but he didn't know how to handle what they felt. He couldn't help them with their feelings because he never even learned how to handle his own. Alec’s way of handling his emotions was to lock them in a box and throw away the key, plunging the only way of access to his heart break into the dark night never giving them the chance to come back into the light. "You really think that?" Hao asked as Alec took another sip of his drink and shrugged a little. "I'm not the right person to talk about this too but if you really want to hear my opinion I'd say yes... Matteo probably hates you just for your lies." Alec teased a little because he knew that now matter what Hao did Matteo would never be capable of hating him. "Then what about you? Did you really feel nothing when you killed those two criminals or is it all just a show?" Hao asked knowing this was pushing Alec’s borders but he had to hear his friend say the truth about how he felt for once. It was dead silent for a long moment which made Hao expect him not to answer anymore but then Alec broke the silence the alcohol making it easier for him to tell the truth. "I wish I could tell you that I feel regret... or guilt but, I don't. When I looked in his eyes... I saw nothing and felt nothing. All I saw was a person who had killed one of my men and I lashed out." Hao wasn't too shocked by Alec’s words but what came next left him speechless and shocked. "You get it now? You get now why I could never be good for Magnus? Now matter how much I like him or how much every vein and inch of my body wants and aches to be with him... I will never be good enough for him. He deserves someone who can trust him and who will never ever lash out at him. Now matter how much much closer this boy keeps pulling me I can't let myself ruin him with the darkness of what I am. I like him too much to ever lay on finger on him." It wasn’t purely the alcohol speaking now but it had only given Alec the courage to finally speak out loud what his heart knew. Hao frowned actually taking in what his brother just said. "Did you just confess that you like him?" Never in his life had Hao thought he would ever hear Alec say something in that way and yet Magnus seemed to show sides of Alec that Hao didn't know where there. "There isn't a single cell in my body that doesn't like him but I'm to broken for him... I'm scared he will see how broken I am and give up on me. If I don't let him in I don't have to let him go." Alec answered his voice softer and even sounded vanurable leaving Hao more than speechless as he couldn't recognize his friend anymore. "Alec... you need to talk with him. You need to tell him all of that." Hao was so wrong right from the beginning he thought that Alec should figure everything out for himself but really what he needed was a push in the right direction and of course Matteo was right all along. "No and you won't say a word about any of this to anyone, including Matteo. Magnus is where he is supposed to be and he will find someone better." Alec answered harshly as he stood up from the bed and leaving Hao in his room. Magnus was Alec’s special someone. He was the someone who made him suddenly want to feel but he was scared. He was scared to ruin someone that was actually pleading to be so, so ruined...//tbc

ohhh Alec what are you just doing😔😔😔💚💙