Broken Glass

Heartbreak Hotel

    Emily walked into her hotel room and sat heavily on the bed, her head in her hands. After a moment she did what she always did. She took a breath and got to work, pulling out a notebook. It was one of her rules. Never go anywhere without a notebook. It was filled with quotes she heard from strangers passing by or little notes of their nervous tics and mannerisms. She flipped through them but she didn't feel the same enjoyment she usually found. They were so removed from herself any creative thoughts slipped out of her grasp as if they were a playful fish. All she could think about was Allen. That only served to make her angry. Anger was better than sad. anger was strong. But anger isn't productive.

    Calm. She needs to be calm. She turns to a fresh page, running her had over it and pictured the words that would fill it. She tapped her pen in the upper corner of the page. Leaving a collection of tiny blue dots. Finally she new where to start. She started with them.

     It was before the first date. She remembered meeting him. 2nd grade. She was queen of the fairy club and he was hyperactive. A laugh bubbled up her chest and she remembered him being forced to sit on the bench. Still they talked as she pretended to play on the equipment around the bench. They got caught but they did it anyway. Once the memories started they just didn't stop. He had given her a a flower in front of all their parents at a school dance. A carnation. She had pressed it and had tried to keep it. Her mom had laughed but she had done it anyway. As she grew they drifted away and lost touch, different classes and only home phones to talk on. She had left it in that book until freshman year where they met again. It was on a school trip to the aquarium. They had been allowed to pick their own groups and wander unsupervised. Against her will she had joined up with his group. It was all Hailey's  fault, she couldn't bare to be separated from her boyfriend. Allen's best friend. 

     She remembered going home after school and opening up the book. The petal's curled and all but disintegrated. A soft smile filled her face. 

   She had thought that was the start of their story. That they'd fall in love and live happily ever after. And they had. For a while. She'd heard the other's talk, especially while they were in high school and right around graduation.  People would say they weren't really in love, they hadn't dated around enough. But how many people is enough? She knew right away she was his and he was hers just as much. It was forever. At least that's what she thought. Maybe she was so afraid of life without him that she'd convinced herself it was okay. That couldn't be right.

       She flipped the page and started again. This time erasing him from the narrative. She found she couldn't get far. She had stopped writing but the images ebbed and flowed in waves. She dropped her chin to her chest. The snap of the book shutting hurt. The story couldn't end but she couldn't stop it. 

    Emily crawled into bed and curled up in the thick covers. Allen wasn't here to call her a blanket hog before pulling her close and brushing a kiss to her forehead before falling back asleep. He snored. She hated that he snored but now it was much too quiet to sleep. 

     All she could see when she closed her eyes was His face when he looked at her. He had said she had done nothing wrong but if that were true, why did it fall apart?

       The next morning brought headache and heartache. She cursed. The thought of grabbing her bags and leaving yesterday had felt too permanent. Too abrupt for the softness of their embrace and had caused a heavy panic in her chest. Now she had to go back and get home somehow. 

       She had made it back to the apartment building, hoping not to be noticed as she tugged at the same baby pink sweater she had worn yesterday. Each step was a fight against turning the other way. Emily clutched at the key as it dug into her palm. She dropped it back into her pocket and knocked instead. Bouncing on her toes she huffed out a breath. 

         Allen opened the door and furrowed his brows. He blinked and rubbed at his face as if trying to processes her being there. She watched as he picked up the dish. 

"forget your key?" he asked, putting the dish down still looking for the key

She smiled and nudged him out of the doorway. Deciding she'd keep the key for now she'd let him think it was lost. He followed her into the kitchen. She rolled her eyes and it almost  felt right. Except he stood too far and his hand didn't brush hers when she handed him his coffee.