SHITTY LOVE SONNETS / flashpoetry

A LETTER TO MY 12 YEAR OLD SELF

I'm sorry,
I'm sorry that this is how life unfolds to you,
at this very moment in time.

I'm sorry that you feel incredibly alone
and empty,
when you should've felt whole and happy.

I'm sorry that you couldn't formulate the words and thoughts you so wished to speak,
out loud, bravely,

I'm sorry you felt ugly,
hated your features,
when there was absolutely nothing wrong with you.

I'm sorry that you've kept your feelings bottled up for far too long,
a ticking time bomb
waiting to explode and shatter into a million
painful glass shards,
at any minute or time
when you should've told someone,
should've told mum.

I'm sorry that you felt like you were treated like utter shit
felt underestimated,
weak,
limp,
unrecognised,
invisible,
boring,
when you were so capable of achieving anything you wished and aspired to do or be,
when you were such an incredibly vivid, dedicated, hardworking, creative, fun, bright and loving person,
that loved the arts, loved to sing, loved to write,
that just lost their spark for a little while.

I'm sorry that your pillow soaked up all of your trauma,
I'm sorry that you thought it was the only thing there for you, the only thing that heard your silent cries of help at midnight.

I'm sorry you used to hold your breath and cry to sleep,
thinking about school,
thinking about the very next day,
they would puff up heavily in the morning,
blood shot eyes and thin veins,
thick eyelids,
telling everyone the lie that everything was fine
telling everyone the lie that you were 'okay',
when you were not, at all.

I'm sorry you thought the world worked against you,
It really didn't, you hadn't met the whole universe, let alone good people yet.

I'm sorry that those boys made fun of you,
felt humiliated
attacked your weakest part about you
and turned it against you
you will learn to forgive them
in the end,
for they were only little,
little just as you were
and immature.

I'm sorry that you were far too young to worry about the things that didn't really matter,

to cry to sleep,
to hate your features,
to hate boys,
to think the world worked against you,
to think that you were not good enough,
not worthy of anything,
not worthy of true love,
thinking you were undesirable,
feeling trapped,
to feel like there was a dark grey cloud
always hanging there,
over your head.

I'm sorry that you were so mean to yourself
because even if everything felt so dark,
felt like an empty pit with no way out.

I promise that your heart and the world will be lighter,
for you just only,
caught a glimpse of life.

I promise that you'll meet a boy
and he'll be your first heartbreak.

I promise that two guys will fight over for you and you wouldn't know what to do.
One of them will chase you around after school seeking a little peck,
you'll run for your life, with your best friend guarding you,
with a pair of neon pink scissors,
coincidently stashed in the pocket of
her grey skirt,
both escaping with joy and terror
The other will confess to you,
sending you a corny confession letter,
gushing at it,
with references
that only you would understand.

I promise that you'll fall in love with someone you don't know.
You'll feel the butterflies fluttering,
a different species,
in a different way.
You'll see shades of rose both through the lens you use to roam the world and also on the plush of your cheeks.

I promise that one day,
Ba will tell you how proud he is of you.
Proud of your success, your studies.
Your hard work will be and is never unnoticed.
You are certainly, never taken for granted
and to think otherwise is, false.

I promise that you'll grow wiser with this experience,
use it to heal others,
find your voice,
and find out exactly what you love to do.

I'll promise that you'll meet a circle of friends just as crazy as you were. They'll be your ride or die.
They'll always be there for you, no matter what.
They'll never leave you, all alone.

I promise that you will find your spark,
your glitter,
your stardust,
your colours,
your magic,
the one you thought that left forever
but returned, at last.

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authors note:
This is a very personal poem and probably my favourite so far, because I believe that vulnerability is the best way to empathise with people. Who knows, someone out there, in the world, might've gone through a similar experience to mine and if you are going through it, know that you are very much deserving of unconditional love and that things will fall into place, at the right time; and that these little tests will make you a stronger person over time. Obstacles happen for a reason.

You are not alone in this world, and you will find your solace, your peace and your happiness. 🌿