My Cracking Heart

The apology

I guess I'm supposed to start with an apology. I'm sorry I'm sorry for all the wrongs i didn't apologize for. I'm sorry for all the problems i caused. I'm sorry for being unable to be needed. You made that clear that you don't need me you fight alone. I'm sorry for trying to force myself on you to try and feel wanted because deep down i feel like I'm worth something but i guess I'm not worth anything. I'm sorry you're not able to make me a part of your life all I do is always try to help even though my help is not wanted. I don't like begging at all and if i beg to help what exactly am i doing. It's not a comfortable spot to not know what's going on to change your attitude mood or anything. Sharing is difficult for you as it is for me. But i swallowed all my pride and made myself vulnerable and told you everything only to wait that you'd do the same. But of course life is not fair what you give isn't what you get in return so you didn't do the same. You said you can't change that bit of you and that's okay because you're okay with that. If it still affects me everytime i guess I'm the one with the problem. I will not lie and say i can adjust to that. I clearly can't handle your reluctance to let me go.As though it was overdue. I guess this is my first broken promise and it shall be my last. I won't be like those other guys who say it's not you it's me. I'll tell you the truth. It's not me it's you. I asked for effort and you said you'll not change and it struck me hard, i asked for you to share and you said you'll try then recently you said you were not trying. I don't know why you think you'll drag me with you when not sharing is pushing me away. I would've stayed without caring how many times you pushed me away as long as you needed me. But in your own words they're problems i have to face alone. So I'll grant you your wish go ahead and do it alone. I won't let any of my emotions or situations be known to you anymore because you said i should stop cause you didn't ask for that. I guess deep down I felt like you were a  part of me. But what value does that have if I'm not a part of you. I'd move mountains for you to an extent that you'd feel like I'm overloading and overdoing it. It's not healthy if you'd not do the same. All i wanted in return was to feel needed and to be with you. But who am i with if i don't know what up with you. What's worse is that you already know what it feels like but i guess you don't care what impact it has on me. Yeah call me whatever you want i was alone most of my life. I guess this is gonna be another phase to my lonely life. Maybe after a few days I'll regret this and wonder if you'll ever be mine again. But you said you'd never come crying and promising to change for the sake of another human. I guess that's you and obviously that's asking for too much. I'm not breaking your heart because I don't love you don't get me wrong there. I'm just detaching from being more of a pain to you. I wanna fight with you but you don't want to fight with me. I wanna win your battles but you wanna win your own battles. Go ahead and be a hero (heroin) I'll be my own hero too. You already know how deep i love you. But being left in the dark will live me in a tight spot and the feeling is unbearable it makes me question if there's still love.

So I'm sorry for letting go of the nothing I was holding on to.

My tears are not worthless