My Cracking Heart

Are you okay

Are you okay?. What a beautiful question isn't it. Something so pure and out of concern for someone. I ask myself this question everyday and my answer remains the same. I'm not okay and I'm never gonna be okay. Even if my situation changes I'll find ways to be sad and alone again. I think I crave being sad. The irony is that i despise pitty. Get away from me with your sorry eyes. I don't write in order for someone to feel pity. I write to possibly find someone who can relate. I don't really want them to reach out cause what I write is only the surface of what's really going on. The social place I reside sees the expression of male emotions as weakness. Now imagine me a male child who's gift is empathy. hilarious isn't it. I am not okay is my answer. It's the answer that'll always play in my head. It's an answer however that's never going to be spoken. My answer shall always be "I'm alright thanks and you". A beautiful lie I tell everyone because I can't tell them what's wrong. Because what's really wrong has no identity. The root cause of this is shrouded in misery I can't see it anymore. It's funny how you wake up one day and you just sigh knowing everything has gone to sh*t. Everything around you is a reminder of your dying life. I don't know why I try to do good when all I've done for myself is painful. You feel it too right. The unease of a blissful moment. My beautiful grandmother said everything bad happens all at once. Then she died. Then I failed in my school life, the country went to sh*t, I don't get along with blood and I do not have a job anymore. Everyone is trying to hand me something somehow but I can't take their handouts because they have pity in their eyes (that's stupid they all say in their heads). I despise pity. Yes my ego is prohibiting me from moving forward I've heard that before. My ego brought me more things in a day than most people can in a lifetime. So f*ck whomsoever things my self-esteem is overrated. Self love is not pride I wish you could see the difference. It's there in black and white. Life ain't no ponies and rainbows so I look to the world with my middle finger raised to my emotions. Stay there you dumb f*ck I don't need you. "I am alright thanks and you". I'm terrified of dying alone yet I push everything that tries to help me away. What is wrong with me. I really want to die honestly but I can't kill myself. I'm a warrior so how can I kill myself. It's beneath me. "I am alright thanks and you". My dog died, she was really good to me. She didn't look at me with sorrow or pity. She looked at me like she knew what I really wanted. Everytime I'd look in her eyes I'd see her saying "hey I know it's been a tough day but how about we get something to eat" I'd get food and she'd be like that's the spirit let me show you to my bowel. I guess I was just happy in those few moments. Then like everything I've ever loved in my life she left me. This one made a great escape she left reality. I should be happy she left this broken place but she left me behind. I am alright thanks and you. Do you really want to know how I feel? I'll send letters to my emotions let them read it out loud.

My tears are not worthless