Stupid Boys

12 Her Wisdom

The only money my family has goes into three main things: food, water and my sister. She's waiting for the results from the doctors and kicks the underneath of her chair. Mum thinks she has a brain tumour, I think she has manic depression. Whatever it is, she will always be annoying. That's love right there.

I take this time to tell her everything. Even though she won't care, she's been to several therapy sessions and deems herself better at the therapy than anyone she's had. When I tell her what happened, I realise how much of a dick I am.

I said that I would never be like my dad. And there I was, being homophobic and getting punched in the face. I even punched a door and fractured my hand. She listens intently with her listening-therapist-face. When I'm done, she's digging around her bag.

"You, my boy, are a homosexual." she says in a posh tone. I scoff loudly so much that a nurse turns around with a scowl.

"No I don't— I'm not- " I start to wave her off but she cuts me off by throwing a bra at me. I squeal and bat it away in shock and she instantly says;

"Gay."

I roll my eyes and slump down in my chair and mum comes out from the closed door, a man in a classic white coat following after her. He pats her on the back as she whimpers.

"Bye, Bianca." he says in a hushed voice and goes to close the door behind himself but pauses and says to mum, "If you have any questions..." and she nods.

The door closes and I notice the leaflets and paperwork that mum is shoving in her handbag anxiously. She looks at us sitting apart and kneels down in between us, placing a hand on each of our knees.

"I love you guys so much." she says in a shaky voice. Bee rolls her eyes and is about to say something but I catch her eye and shake my head.

"Mum, what is it?" I ask kindly and she takes a deep breath.

"Oh, for the love of god." Bianca moans and snatches a piece of the paper work from her bag. Mum gasps and sighs as her eyes quickly skim over it. Looking at her, I see as she reads her diagnosis. Mainly because she makes it obvious, bursting into laughter and scaring the crap out of me. She folds up the paper and walks away, out of the big white doors at the end of the hallway. I stand up same as mum and look at her with raised eyebrows.

"It's okay. Physically, she's going to be fine." she explains to me but I push on. Of course I do, this is mental torture.

"But what does she have?" I ask as we walk after Bee.

"It's not something she has, it is something she is."

It's not something she has, it's something she is.

Is that me? Could I not have something, but be something completely different to what I've always believed?

When we get home my sister isn't there. But I'm not surprised. I've learnt to never be surprised with her.

I lie down and I start to think about that kiss. I've spent the whole time since only remembering the fact that it happened, and not how I felt. I was high, so I don't remember as much. But I still remember that kiss at the night club. How that felt. I need to let myself remember.

I'm lying flat on my back, staring at the ceiling of my bedroom. I'm replaying it, seeing in my mind like a motion picture. I see Jake take off his shirt because he's so hot. I see us dancing together. I see the crazy lights.

I feel his lips touching mine. I see black.

Oh fuck. I sit up and stare at my lap. What an appropriate time to get hard.

This is just a fluke. I don't like guys. I fucking don't. The only time I've ever been slightly maybe unsure like this before was camping. We were fifteen, in year 10. And I really wanted to go camping in the summer. So we did, out in the woods were it was really cold at night. We went out there with Olly and Ramir who were sharing a tent. Jake and I were sharing a tent. It was like, 2am, 1 degree celsius and I was shivering in my sleeping bag. And it was like a normal thing to be close together, you know to preserve body heat. Or to be so close that you're basically spooning. Okay, literally spooning. But I was just cold.

But this is different.

This is something new. This is something confusing. I think about Jake. I'm always thinking about Jake. Why?

Bee was being stupid when she said that to me.

"You, my boy, are a homosexual."

Because I mean, look at me. I have a girlfriend, I have a big group of friends, I like things like girls underwear. The lacy texture and shit. I like everything a straight guy likes. I was even homophobic, and I got punched in the face. No guy who likes guys gets punched in the face by a gay guy. A guy who likes guys kisses a gay guy and I didn't—

Oh wait.. oh fuck me. I like Jake.