✔ Oneshot Compilation「 karmagisa 」

purple hyacinth.

I grew up without any regards to emotions.

What is love?

Since I was a child, my parents never bat an eye about my whereabouts, nor my well-being.

As long as they could demonstrate how 'ideal' their parenting is, they think all is well.

As long as they knew they sent me all the wealth in the world and placed food on my plate, they could care less about what I do with my life.

And as long as I lived under a roof entitled with their name, and sent satisfactory results, it doesnʼt matter. I did not matter.

It amused me, because I thought it was normal, and that I was alright with it.

What is joy?

Since I was older, and developed a curious mind, I noticed the insufferable difference between my life and others. How they always had someone to accompany them during irreplaceable moments. During important occasions, or even daily lives.

I often asked the strangers paid to stay by my side what was different. Those people I called my family, and theirs, what made it so special?

Was it the seasons? The attention and extra effort they made to gain their affection? Was it inborn? Or was it the amount of money they wasted tantamount to the feedback they must return?

Was it because because my parents weren't paid enough for them to be satisfied in staying with me? Was it because it these strangers' job descriptions does not include showering a disposable child with fake familial love?

It amused me, because needless to say, after that, those strangers started to slowly leave me for good. Back then, it seemed to me that indeed, I did not pay enough. I was not enough.

What is despair?

Since I was smart enough to not depend on other people for filling the emotional emptiness I was naively feeling, I discarded them for good, like how they just discarded me.

I lived a life of solitude and loneliness. I was not contented, and yet, it was better than having myself surrounded by people who would only come and go as they wish, without any regards for my feelings.

I still studied, but it was more of an obligation rather than a motivation. Nothing interests me anymore, because in this ever-changing world, nothing was ever permanent. However, God knows how much I would pay to cut my ties with this household, and just exist.

It amused me. How fast I adapted with the situation even though I knew this was not normal. And yet I never had a choice to begin with. And I knew I eventually had to grow up and just deal with it.

What is this gaping hole of resentment dwelling within me?

Since I grew older, I once entertained a thought of becoming a sociopath. I had taken a liking to indulge myself with violence some people call 'justice'. I don't fight for petty reasons, but somehow, it eased the pent-up frustration built inside me over the years.

It was entertaining. How they start picking on you the moment you waver, and then they would run away as far as possible once you give a damn and retaliate. How they pine after you if you seemed gullible enough, and then avoid you like a plague once you taint their already tainted reputations.

It amused me. How people are all the same.

What is a sentiment?

What is a detriment?

What is light and/or darkness?

What does it take to give one happiness?

What does it mean, to 'deserve' happiness?