After Death | Bucky Barnes(Republished)

What Am I Supossed To Do?

■■■

      I laid in bed with a book in my hands.

"Whatcha doing?" The man with the metal arm said as he laid beside me. 

"Reading." I replied. He continued to annoy me, for several minutes, then started to poke me.

"Stop it." I said as he continued to have fun by poking me. He moved closer to me, I tried to push him away but I was too weak. He suddenly stopped inches away from me, he kissed my lips passionately,  his hands moved to my back and my fingers tangled in his hair.

I woke up with a jolt.
Back in my dark, small room, I ran my hand through my hair, pushing it out of my face. I remember the dream so vividly, it felt too real.
This is what he wants, The Winter Soldier... he wants to get inside my head.
Here they tell me that he murdered me, if that's true then why didn't he kill me, he certainly had many opportunities to do so, and he surrender his weapons to me.

I needed answers.
The next morning I rushed to see my supervising officer, I asked for a day to myself. I was given twenty four hours.
Back in my room, I dressed in regular clothes, I slipped the knife the man have given me into my boot.
I knew exactly where he would be.

  ■■■  

      I had taken the seat next to the window, I took out the knife and examined it. I flipped it through my fingers repeatedly. I had waited patiently for hours.

Night quickly fell, I looked at the watch on my wrist, my time was running out. I tapped my right foot impatiently,  getting ready to leave when I heard footsteps outside of the door. I watched from the darkness as the door slowly opened, letting a ray of light in as he walked in and closed the door leaving me in darkness once more.
He switched on the light with his back facing me.

He wore his heavy black combat uniform, I crossed my legs and rested my hands on the arm rest as I watched the soldier in silence as he took his many weapons and laid them out on the table.
I watched as he turned around, he froze as soon as he caught sight of me.

"Y/n." he breathed..

"I want answers." I said shortly. 

"How did you get inside?" he asked.

"You didn't answer me when I asked you the same question." I replied, getting to my feet, keeping my gaze down, "It wasn't without difficulty, the security system is impressive, but it needs work."

He took a few steps in my direction.

"That's close enough." I ordered looking back up at him. He stopped at my command, his eyes looked sad.

"Why made you decide to come here?" he asked.

"I want to know why you killed me." I said simply.

"Killed you? You think I was the one who killed you?" He said, confused.

"That's what I know." I corrected.

"I did not kill you, I would never harm you, you are my everything." he pleaded, I examined his face, all I found was pain. 

"Everything they've said to you, they have all been lies. They did the same to me, they lie, and manipulate, just so you can do their dirty work. You belong here, with me. S.H.I.E.L.D. has always been your home, please try to remember." 

I hadn't realized he was slowly moving towards me while he was speaking, he looked into my eyes, and took my hand in his.

"Please remember,  y/n." he said, he moved his hand to my face and stroked my cheek with his thumb.

 "Remember our first kiss? You were too caught up in your book and I wanted to annoy you, you tried to fight against me but couldn't." He chuckled softly. I frowned remembering my dream from last night.

His gaze and his hand dropped to my forearm, he touched one of my scars from the many needles they had used on me in order to save me.

"What did they do to you?" He whispered.

"They saved my life."  I answered, he looked back up to my face.

"I'm so sorry, I should have been there. I could have saved you, we looked out for each other and I wasn't there, if I had, then everything would be alright now." he said. I was surprised to see his eyes were watering.   
I felt sorry for this man, I shouldn't.
I should have killed him when I had the chance, I don't understand why I am so drawn to him. 

"I don't know." I said, pulling my hand away from his and walked past him, running my hand through my hair, pushing it out of my face. I turned around to face him once more.

"Hydra has told me everything that happened since my death, then you show up and tell my something different, and nothing makes sense. I follow orders. That's what I do, plain and simple. Then you come along and confuse me. What am I supposed to do? I don't know what to believe." I admit to him.

"You should trust your instincts." Bucky said, "I know you're still in there, you will remember what really happened. I am just happy to see that you're alive." 

I looked at his eyes, then at the floor as I pulled out the knife.

"This is yours." I said, taking the knife by the blade and handing it to him. He walked the short distance to me.

"It was never really mine." he said pushing it back to me. "Keep it, until you remember." .

He slowly kissed my forehead, I closed my eyes as his lips lingered.

My watch beeped,  letting me know I had an hour to return to base. 

"I have to go." I said as I switched it off. He took a deep breath and took a step back.

"Please be careful." he whispered. 

I nodded, unsure of what to say to him, and I left.

Published: September 12, 2015

Republished: May 11, 2016