Pining for Paris/Jim Halpert

Chapter 17: Looking Up

After Nick and I had sex, things were a little awkward. He knew I was still in love with Jim, even though I didn't tell him that. Nick was angry with me; angry that our first time having sex was just a coping mechanism for me. And yeah, mostly, it was. I needed a distraction from all my heartbreak, which is why I did it. But I also could feel myself growing close to Nick; my heart was still infected with Jim, but it was also beginning to fuse with Nick's heart. I still felt like shit, but I could also feel myself healing whenever I was with Nick. I knew that Nick didn't deserve that; he didn't deserve to be a coping mechanism or a method of healing. He deserved love, and devotion, and quite honestly, I was trying to give that to him. It was complicated.

Anyway, I made him dinner as an apology for how I'd been acting, and I told him I wanted him to be my boyfriend. He was resistant to me at first; clearly I hadn't been forgiven yet, and I didn't deserve that anyway. But he smiled at me, and he kissed me, and we drank champagne all night and danced to my records. It ended up being really fun, and around 3:30am, we had drunken sex on my couch, and it was lot better than the first time. Things were looking up.

After that, Nick started driving me to work because he started staying at my place a lot. He also picked me up from work most days because his lab isn't too far from the office. On the first day, it was awkward introducing him to everyone in the office. Jim looked at him once and waved before going back to work, which stung. I mean, I wasn't trying to make Jim jealous or anything, but a little acknowledgement that I was moving on would have been nice. When I found out he moved on, I was heartbroken. Jim seemed like he didn't even care, which I think is what really hurt. At work, Jim didn't talk to me unless he had to. He waved in the morning and whenever one of us left the office, but I couldn't even get a verbal greeting out of him. It was bizarre; I mean, three months ago, we were in love, and now we didn't even say "hi" to each other. It was so stupid and so frustrating, and I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and scream.

"I just, I don't get it, you know?" I said to Phyllis, touching up my makeup in the bathroom. "We were so in love, Phyllis. I have no idea what happened."

"He kissed Pam is what happened. That's not on you."

"I know, I just... I feel like shit all the time and I wish he would just talk to me."

She turned to me and took a deep breath. "Okay, Paris, look. You're not gonna like what I'm about to say but I'm gonna say it anyway because I think you need to hear it. All this Jim stuff has taken a serious toll on you: your sales have dropped by a lot, you're totally closed off from almost everyone in your life, and even Nick is pissed off at you because you took advantage of him. And frankly, Paris, it's pathetic. This thing you're doing with Nick is not moving on. It's fake, and I see through it. You're still in love with Jim and it's pathetic. Jim moved on months ago, Paris. It's about time you did too. You have to pull yourself together."

My heart froze. I looked at her, and she shrugged, starting to fix her makeup again. I felt frozen. At first, I thought, how could she say that to me? Did she just called me pathetic? And then I thought, oh my god, she's right. I was pathetic. I was moping around the office all depressed, and I had to get over Jim. I needed to get over Jim. It was time.

"You're right," I said, feeling tears dot my eyes. I felt stupid. But I could do something about it. I pulled her in and gave her a hug. "Thank you, Phyllis," I whispered into her shoulder. I took a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom, then poured a fresh cup of coffee into a mug. I added milk and sugar, taking a deep before exiting the break room, feeling the tears in my eyes evaporate. I walked over to reception, and Pam looked up with surprise.

"Hey, Pam," I greeted. "I got you a coffee."

"Oh. Thanks, Paris," she thanked me softly, pushing some hair out of her face.

"Hey, Pam, um, would it be okay if I came to your art show tomorrow night? I know you made the announcement to everybody, but I wasn't sure if I was included in that —"

"I would really like it if you came. I'll text you the directions." She smiled, sipping the coffee I brought her. I inhaled, smiling back.

"Cool. I'll see you tomorrow night, then."

"Okay."

I walked back to my desk, sitting down. I began dialing a client that I had lost a few weeks ago, and after a 20-minute phone call of my offering various discounts, they finally gave us their business. I smiled, feeling renewed as I hung up the phone, cracking my neck. Dwight furrowed his brows, looking up at me from his computer.

"I thought you hated Pam," he commented disdainfully. I could feel Jim looking at me.

"And I thought you were the best salesman in this office," I replied, starting an email to another client.

"I am the best salesman in this office."

"We'll see about that, Dwight."

When Nick picked me up, I jogged up to the front of the office after hanging up the phone. I smiled at him, wrapping my arms around his neck. He grinned, surprised.

"Hi, Paris," he greeted through his smile. I gave him a kiss, then pulled back to look into his brown eyes.

"I'm really glad you're here," I muttered, grinning. He kissed my cheek and took my hand, and we left the building together, hand in hand.

The next day, I met with my thesis advisor and told her I wanted to accelerate the state of my dissertation. When she asked me why, I told her that I was regaining control of my life and that I loved the work and I wanted my degree. She was skeptical at first, confused at my sudden change in attitude. She told me I needed to work a lot harder if I wanted to do this, and I told her I was ready. After that meeting, I breathed in the hot August air and I didn't just simply tell myself that I was going to be okay; I knew it.

Nick picked me up from campus and we drove to Pam's art show. On the way there, I told him all about my internal goals and struggles with Pam in the past and how I wanted to make it better; and I did want to make it better. I cared about her. Obviously she wasn't totally forgiven, but I did care. She was my friend, and our friendship was bigger than some guy. Nick supported me, of course, and we parked in the lot.

Inside, there was more people than I thought. Soft music played, and we were handed some free wine, which was awesome. Paintings and other works decorated the walls, which actually looked really cool. There seemed to be a healthy mix between abstract and realist, which was nice to see. I saw Pam in her section, holding her arms, smiling timidly at passerbyers. I smiled, taking Nick's hand and we walked up to her together. She smiled, relieved as she saw us.

"Hey, you guys! Thanks for coming."

"Totally, good to see you Pam," I replied, sipping my wine and taking a look at her works. They were watercolor, mostly basic still lives.

"I'll see you guys in a second, okay? My mom's here," Pam said, jogging up to the front to go meet her mom.

"These are really cool," Nick said, looking closer at Pam's watercolors. I smiled at him — his kindness and gentleness still intrigued me.

"Yeah, they are. She's good," I commented, looking at the painting of our office building. "She has a good eye for color and lighting, it's impressive. And you know, I'm still angry at her. But she's a good person, and a beautiful painter."

Nick took my hand, smiling at me, and we clinked our glasses together. He kissed my cheek after we sipped, and I felt my life coming back together.