pick me. kim yohan

140

park arin's point of view

one thing about me, i love the moon.

it reminds me that "you are still whole no matter what phase you're at" and it's a representation that even if there's darkness, there will be light. it's always there, even if we can't see it. just like hope, it's always there.

here i am, watching the moon as the wind blew my short pink hair (yes i dyed it after i chopped it off) and as the waves hit the sand near where i sat.

how did i end up here?

i don't even know.

all i knew is that i attended my classes this morning, got stressed because of my research papers, bumped into hana in the same café from last time (why did i even came back there anyway? ugh.) she told me stuff and i straight up told her that i'm not thrilled or anything to be her sister and that i have no intentions in taking away her dad from their family, they can have him for all they want, they are the legal family after all. besides, mom and i are happy together and we can handle ourselves. later that afternoon, i tired myself out in our org activities, we went to an orphanage this time, i had fun with the children, and then i ended up being here in the seashore, watching the moon.

maybe this is me, trying to heal. yes, i am still trying to heal.

it wasn't easy. every single day i'm doubting myself and motivating myself at the same time. it's still hard for me to wake up in the morning, and it's even harder to fall asleep with all the thoughts running in my head. but step by step, i'm trying. i try to laugh more, find what makes me happy, and feel lively. day by day, there's progress.

but why do i still feel empty?

it's like there's a big gap in my heart missing.

hmm.

anyway, it's been a month since that night. and guess what? i haven't seen yohan ever since.

maybe he's busy. he have come a long way after all. or maybe because everytime there's a chance of seeing him, i always shut myself out. i don't think i'm ready for that yet. everytime i see his endorsements, his pictures, his ads, i always get reminded of the life he pick over me. the life i made him pick over me. and that's okay. i'm happy he's flying high like he deserves to. i wish him safe skies as he fly.

but i dont think i could see him just yet. i might just run to him and hug him tight if i saw him, and that's not good because i'm still not done fixing myself. i still need to be better. for him, because that's what he deserves. but more so, for myself.

and just because i haven't seen him doesn't mean there was nothing happening between us at all. there are little moments. a few messages exchanged with eachother, and somehow along the lines, i sent him a box with a note reminding him to take care of himself and to not be infected by the virus.

i don't know what he thinks about that, but i'm seriously genuinely caring like a bestfriend would. just like the good old days.

how i miss that so much.

and then, my phone suddenly rang.

i picked it up. it was a call from minyoung. "hello, miny?"

"arin! where are you?"

"somewhere."

"somewhere safe?" she inquired. i giggled, she's still the ever so protective minyoung.

"yup. dont worry about me, i'm just having some me time." i replied, brushing the strands of my hair. honestly, it feels kinda new having this length and color of hair. chopping it and dying it is something that i just thought of at the moment, i didnt really planned it, it just happened. right at that moment, i decided to change myself.

but man, i feel like a shin ryujin in my hair. i feel so badass.

mom and eomma and appa (yohan's parents) were so shocked when they first saw me with this hair. minyoung and aiden were shocked too. dohyon as well. he even commented saying that my hair is like cotton candy, well, what do i expect from doh anyway?

"okay." i realized minyoung is still in the other line, "just take care there, arin."

"yupp."

"anyway, i called to inform you... yohan's here."

"what do you mean 'here'? where are you?" i hugged my knees together. hearing his name made my heart feel something, i just cant pinpoint whether if it's excitement or nervousness...or kilig. man, it's been a while since i felt that.

(to those who still remember the word kilig, salute to you!)

"i'm at the café where you and hyeri works at, and well, he arrived here with junho a while ago, fully disguised and fully armed from the virus and all. right now, hyeri, aiden and yohan are having a heart to heart talk, they wont let me join their talk so i was left alone with junho, but he wasn't speaking to me and just kept on sipping his coffee and im dying from boredom so i excused myself to contact you."

"you mean to say, if you're not bored then you won't contact me?"

"eh, it's not that."

i rolled my eyes.

"omg, arin!" minyoung suddenly shrieked.

"why, why, why? what's up? what happened?" i panicked with her.

"the three of them stood up. hyeri was smiling. aiden nodded. and omg, yohan went out!!!" she was whispering as she shout. yeah, i know, how can someone shout and whisper at the same time? but that's exactly what i hear from minyoung.

"what do you mean yohan went out?where is he going?"

"how would i know?!" and then i heard footsteps, "hey aiden, hyeri, what did you two talked about with yohan? and where is he going?"

"we talked about everything." says hyeri.

"and by everything, that meant arin." i heard aiden's voice this time.

"okay. but where is yohan going?" minyoung asked again.

"oh." it was hyeri, "he was going to--" and then the call ended. the line went cut at the perfect timing. talk about unluckiness.

i just sighed and continue looking at the sea and the moon.

reaching for my airpods, i placed it in my ears and played my music shuffle. friends by bts jimin, v is playing.

i closed my eyes and hugs my knees tighter, getting lost in the music and feeling it's lyrics. music always does the trick for remedies, i heard. music could translate the message when words fail. hmm, i wonder.

it was the part when the lyrics 'you are my soulmate' came when i felt a sudden breeze came to me. a familiar breeze.

suddenly, the right piece of my airpod was pulled out from my ear by someone so i turned to the side to look at whoever that was.

behold, behold, it was none other than kim yohan.

i think i stopped breathing for a sec.

i just gazed at him. not believing my eyes.

he was looking down on me (because he is standing up, crouching rather, and i am sitting down in the sand) wearing his usual warm attire, he also wear a warm smile. now, where is this guy's face mask? he might catch the corona virus! and why am i even worrying about the corona virus when he's here in front of me after a while, i should be panicking!

but instead, i remained calm and in love with his warmth. he's like comfort for me. indeed, he's my home.

out of nowhere though, he pulled out the hoodie he's been holding and placed it in top of my head.

"park arin. i missed you."

that's what i heard and my heart immediately went haywire.

gosh, kim yohan.

i missed you more.

//

happy birthday somi, taeyeon and yoongi! <3

and why am i still awake anyway? haha goodnight you guys, i mean good twilight hehe, take care ilyall