Zero Zero

14. never compromise

finding that somewhere, that show, it wasn't as difficult as I'd expected. once we were downtown, we just had to walk around for a half hour or so, followed some music we liked the sound of, down to this one bar.

but it wasn't at the bar, it was in the space below. the man at the door said it was eighteen and over after eleven. it wasn't eleven yet. frank said we'd be out by then. I wasn't sure we would.

neither did he, I could hear by the tone of his voice and the manner of his hands; too serious for the moment. for him. but the man at the door bought it. 

"we can get close to the stage if we don't want to leave." frank said, "usually they won't check there."

he was full of shit. maybe it was true, but as to the way he spoke, as if he knew first hand, he was full of shit.

"no way in hell you've actually been at a show past kick-out time." I said with a laugh. "you were what, ten?"

frank laughed, said something. but I couldn't hear him over the music. it had gotten louder, and we had gotten closer. 

and it was good. and I forgot what we'd been talking about, too caught up in the moment.

it was no smashing pumpkins, but it felt so much more potent. to be there in the flesh.

 I felt like human fucking gelatine. like the opposite of whatever those pills they'd given us at The Institution were. like I could feel every fiber of my being flushed with motion and emotion.

and then, I knew I wanted to see the smashing pumpkins like this, fucking live. in some shitty basement in some shitty part of town. I'd be up toward the stage, drenched in sweat and inches from strangers, not caring about the filth and just reveling in the moment.

I didn't know then, how these sorts of things worked.

it didn't matter in that moment. I suppose it still doesn't matter now, not like everything else.

it didn't cross my mind as even a phantom of a thought as I jumped around to rhythm of the music. as I killed my legs, pounding away at them until they went numb. 

not that I minded. not that I even could mind, with all the adrenaline numbing any pain that might've otherwise surfaced above the noise. everything leaving me trying to find breath, but not getting nearly enough. exhilarating.

I danced. we danced. frank found it funny, the way I did. 

not that he could talk anyway. he was better at dancing than I, but not by much. at least he hadn't elbowed some guy in the gut, like I.

there was a lull. between songs. seconds, maybe. with the shrill retuning of strings.

a girl with short black hair offered me something. I couldn't hear what. didn't have the money anyway. with a confused look from me, she moved away. 

a bottle of water was passed around.  

even though we were out. even though this was supposed to be ultimate escape. I was still paranoid.

despite my dehydration.

besides, it was only a few moments before frank returned. I hadn't noticed he'd left.

frank returned. holding two plastic cups of beer. sweet liquid relief, for I trusted frank. and only frank.

I tried to ask him how he got them. he just yelled something in return. neither of us able to hear the other over the return of pounding music. 

but still, I didn't question it. he had the same worries as me, and I really needed something to quench my thirst.

bitter and bready, as I remembered. but I actually enjoyed it this time. well, after the first few sips, adjusting to the sour maltiness and little bubbles.