Zero Zero

17. nothing ever ends.

I woke up.

it wasn't a bed. it wasn't not a bed either. just very fucking soft.

in a square room. nine by nine feet. blank white walls. all covered in this weird cushioned material. 

and there was only one door. opposite to where I lay. it opened with a loud thump. 

a person walked in. face cold. framed with this long and straight brown hair. and this pristinely unstained and unwrinkled lab-type coat. 

she walked with an almost robotic precision. stood tall and towering. kept each stride the same length as the previous. 

"patient zero-zero-one." she said.

she said something else. I couldn't remember. just the way she said everything, it felt recited. like lines she'd memorized.

"today is the ninth of april two-thousand sixteen." she said. cold, but with this strange sort of smile. "so happy birthday."

it felt so weird for her to say that. I couldn't place just why.

"we've adjusted your medication." she said.

smiled that creepy cold smile again. I really didn't trust her. 

she handed me a small paper cup of water. and this even smaller paper cup of pills. five. most of them different. 

something about it all felt so familiar, but I couldn't place my finger on it. something about all of this felt so familiar, but I couldn't uncloud a single bit of it. 

I didn't want to take it. not a single one.

"I have to make sure you take them, you know." she said.

and I didn't protest. it felt like there was no purpose. to any of it.

I placed the bitter pill upon my tongue with contempt. i didn't want to. but there was nothing else to do.

crushed one between my molars. it dried out my tongue. made it burn a little bit. I let it set for a few moments. savored the lack of boredom for just a second longer. until I couldn't take it.

I rinsed my mouth out with the water. swallowed the bitter mixture. took all the other pills in one go. with the remains of the water.

my tongue was raw and bleeding somewhat. made everything taste slightly metallic. stained the paper cup with a diluted crimson.

"you shouldn't do that, you know." she said.

but with this tone like she couldn't have given less of a shit. like it was expected. like I'd done this a million times before. 

and she left. shut the heavy door behind her. shoes clacked on the floors outside, down the hall. away.

I was alone again, in the white-walled cell. 

I didn't bother getting up. I didn't bother trying to remember. I didn't bother trying to leave at all. 

I just felt so tired. like I hadn't slept well for weeks. 

gravity felt like it was pulling me to the ground. ruthlessly. and I was nothing more than a powerless rag doll to it.

"where am I?" I wondered aloud to myself.

it's not like anyone was listening anyways. no one but myself. it's not like anyone would answer anyways,

except the walls. who just answered with the same question. dampened by the elastic cushion.

and I felt so unlike me. 

whoever I was. I didn't know. i just knew this wasn't me.

but whatever was in the pills was beginning to kick in. or something was beginning to kick in.

and I gave in. to gravity and to it all.

I lay back on the ground. stared at the ceiling. waited for the imaginary shapes to swirl into view. like clouds. like I knew they would.

but before they had the chance, she walked into view again. I hadn't heard the heavy door open again. somehow she had gotten in silently. 

she really gave me the creeps then. whoever she was.

"you've been approved for your first assignment," she said. "we'll be giving you a brush-up on everything before you go out. but we'll make sure you're prepared, to take out patient zero-zero-seven."

I stared into her cold dead eyes. 

the number sounded so familiar. but I didn't care, I couldn't. as much as I wanted to care. 

her cold eyes stared back at me like a threat. I would have to do it. and I would have to never care about it. 

I closed my eyes to try to remember this time, with what little care I had left. I couldn't. 

and by the time I opened them again, she had disappeared. just as silently as she appeared. just like a ghost.

I felt a series of cold tears roll down across my temple and disappear into my hair. 

I wasn't sad. but it felt like I should have been. it felt like I should be furious and absolutely distraught. 

I wasn't. 

it felt like I should've asked. who was the 'we' they were referring to. who were they. 

who the hell were they?

but something was separating. dividing what I knew I should've been, from what I was. 

all I could do was stare at the ceiling. watched as the galaxies swirled into view. 

to keep me company, lonely as we all were. 

we couldn't care less.