LOVE CRAZE

SELF-ESTEEM DEGRADE

We are not judging in this chapter, simply because we need to understand what self-esteem is. Let me school you for a minute before your judgy ass jumps to a conclusion.

If you have been through a similar ordeal or know anyone who has, you might understand the loss and value of self-esteem in a relationship. If not, I will try my best to break it down for you and if not, well, I hope one reader will help me expound on the topic.

What is self-esteem?

Wikipedia: Self-esteem is an individual's subjective evaluation of their own worth.

Psychology: a person's overall sense of self-worth or personal value.

Me: Devaluation of my individuality.

Growing up, despite the challenges I faced, I always knew what I stood for. I was aware of my individuality, to the extent of being okay with my tomboy personality. I had a list of dos and don't(s) in my head with a clear example of what I needed and fully desired. 

Though different, Guy 1 and Guy 2 had something in common; they contributed to the ripping of my self-esteem. I could no longer tell who I was or even stand for anything. I felt miserable after the two relationships and nothing seemed to make up for my feelings. Going through the emotional torture in secret was worse because I was scared of being judged. I was scared of being branded as a 'love fool' or 'the stupid educated girl'. I was ashamed that no one would relate to what I had been through and if anyone found out, I would be a joke.

Before your self-esteem is stolen from you, there is a step that has to happen- separation/isolation. When you find yourself detached from family and/or friends every time you're in a new relationship, then there's something wrong. If a guy/girl manages to cut the communication between you and other people; all in the name of 'loving/craving attention' or 'giving us more time', then your self-esteem is in trouble.

Once Isolation happens, guilt-tripping, emotional abuse and blame games start. All these are traits of narcissism. Will talk more about it later but it's the worst form of emotional abuse. When your abuser is sure that you have no one to reach out to, open up to, or you're ashamed of sharing what's happening to you, they are able to take more advantage.

I'm sharing this out of experience. I know I said no judging but I don't want a pity party either. Both relationships slowly took my self-worth for granted and slowly shredded it to pieces. I kept lying to myself that LOVE would conquer all and that I was supposed to tolerate some things as I had seen around me. It took a lot of strength from within to finally accept, realize and come to terms with what was happening. Only then was I able to detach myself from the nerve-wrenching relationships.