Abandoned

chapter fourteen.

"Can I write a letter to mom?" Rose asked, quite out of the blue. She'd been sitting on the bed doing her homework, completely submerged in adding fractions. How she got the idea of mom in her head at that moment, I had no idea.

"Um," I said. "Sure."

I watched as she ripped out a new piece of paper and set it on her book. She scrunched her face in concentration as she tried to write.

"Actually, can you write for me?"

"I guess." I shrugged and took the paper from her and a pencil.

"Okay... Dear mom. When do you think you can come back? Where did you go, anyway?" She said, like the question just popped into her head. "Well, it's good here with Ray. Oh, we live in a big house now, with a nice lady and Ray's boyfriend."

"Uh," I interrupted, having long stopped writing.

"What? Are you writing?" She pestered. "I don't see you writing!"

"Rose, we don't live here. And Justin is not my boyfriend. At all." How she got that idea in her head, I also am completely clueless of.

"Okay, fine. Erase that part." She said and I pretended to be erasing. "Anyway..." She continued the letter. "I hope you come back soon." She stopped, and I waited to see if she'd continue. I kind of expected her to say 'I miss you' or 'I love you' but I was glad when she didn't.

"That's all?""

"Yes, the end." She sighed and it occurred to me that I could tell her now. I could get it over with and end her sad, false hope and her constant wondering. She won't take it nicely, but she deserves to know.

"Hey, Rose?" I said, once again distracting her from her homework.

"What?"

"Come over here. We need to talk."

She crawled over to where I was sitting on the edge of the bed and sat across from me. "Why do you want mom to come back so bad?"

"I dunno." She shrugged. "So we can stop waiting. And so we can have a house. And all the kids at school have moms who do mom stuff."

"I..." I hesitated with my wording. "I think that we can stop waiting. It will be a while until you see mom. A long while."

"Why?" She scrunched her eyebrows up.

"Because she... went away. I'll explain it when you're older."

"So... she's not coming back?" She said as her lip started to quiver and eyes gloss over. Before I could say anything her eyes welled up with tears and she was crying. I knew the feeling, having all of your hope ripped away. Maybe I didn't necessarily tell her that our mother is dead, but what I did tell her clearly still hurt her.

"No," I whispered and pulled her into my lap, holding her.

"But we have each other, right?" I asked over her quiet sobs. I felt her nod. "We always have. I know it's sad but... we never needed her. I'm going to buy us a house and I promise I'll do all the mom things you'll ever need." At this point I was babbling and unsure if I was making her feel better or worse, so I shut up and let her cry, efficiently soaking my shirt.

My heart ached more and more as she continued to be sad until I eventually had her lay down and she fell asleep.

I layed next to her for hours, unable to fall asleep or get the thought of her sobbing or my mother out of my head. Things should be so different.

Around midnight I wandered downstairs to get some water, but ended up deciding to go out on the back porch for a change of scenery. I threw a hoodie on and my sneakers and quietly slid the back door open, stepping out into the cold air.