Not A Stranger to Pain

Chapter 21

Terrence told her that since he had deflowered her she should stay in with him.

He felt that it was pointless for her to stay alone.

He told her that he had done that so they would become closer like soulmates are.

That it was his way of showing his love. Who knew that someone would describe rape as the art of love.

She felt numb, confused, dirty and useless,his friends came to Terrence's apartment and warned her that if she tried to report them to the police then they would kill her.

She didn't want to die at their mercy, she wanted to do it on her own terms.

She told him that she would think about moving in with him and that she needed her space, but that was not the truth she really wanted to plunge that knife into his beer belly and cut off that object which made him sin. She wanted to curve him with kitchen knife.

Terrence left her at door of her dorm , she felt relieved that he wouldn't come into her room. She had no fight left in her, she tried to fight him off of her body but he had strength she never knew where it came from.

He had showed her that he was a monster , an animal a devourer and nothing good could come out that.

She had been the lamb that had offered itself for slaughter.

She couldn't even wallow in self pity because she hated herself too much to do so.

Some twisted part of herself told her that she deserved that, that why had she thought that he could treat her right , that she should have learnt her lesson from her past, but instead she hadn't.

She had brought this self upon herself, if self loathing was a hobby she would have won the medal for mastering that.

When evening grew nigh she told Terrence that she would kill herself and that she was at a river he told her" to die it would benefit everyone."

She was struggling , every day seemed to be a futile fight. Her sorrows were too many , she really was trying .She even tried to love herself but it proved to be a mammoth task.

She really did ,she would look at herself in the mirror and try to love her curves ,her butt or her saggy breasts that her mother often reminded her every time she saw them.

In her life she had never felt enough no one had told her that she was perfect they  she was.

She had a pillar that helped her and that was her Pastors they were a heaven sent.

She would at times tell her that she was beautiful only that Chara at times couldn't believe it.

What would you expect when you had been told that you are ugly ever since you were young then all of sudden you are told you a beautiful.

She at times believed it but it was only short lived.

The doubt would set back in again. She tried to be happy but tears would fall when she saw others being happy. She tried to pray but she would end up a whimpering mess.

If she could write a book about being hollow she could because she was beyond depression.

She did not want to feel envious but at times she was, she wondered how other people seemed to have it all easy but for her she had faced something she was not sure she could recover from.