Letters and Murmurs

Chapter Sixty-Four: Sometime Soon

The next few days moved swiftly. I hoped they would have moved slower but the night finally came. I had been up playing cards with everyone while the nurse came out of the room. She had a very somber look on her face while it was very clear she was looking for my grandmother. I put my hand to my mouth as everyone took a moment to pause. I nodded my head and got up and went into the room.

It was just yesterday he met Jack, Rian, and Zack. He had met Lisa and Alex later in the day. My parents hung out with us in his room. My grandfather told me he liked Jack. He said he was a nice character. Rian thought it was funny while I climbed up on his bed to lay with him. I laid there watching the united states naval academy football team. He had served in the military and that was his favorite college team.

"Logan?" Dad said placing a hand on my knee while the tears trickled from my eyes.

I didn't realize my feet had carried me into his room. It felt so different my world felt so empty and hallow. I looked in the mirror at the lifeless body behind me as I walked over to it placing my hand. I left fingerprints on the mirror. I then walked over to his military photos and put my hand upon them crying. I felt my knees start to give out as dad caught me from falling completely to the floor.

"shh its okay baby girl," dad whispered in my ear as he held me close.

Nothing in that moment felt okay though. What would happen to my grandmother now that he wasn't here? I wasn't prepared for the faces I was going to see at the funeral.

We went to a hotel that morning and I had to wear a dress. I stayed in a room with Ryleigh this time which was odd making Jack and Zack share a room again. Rian was all alone this time as Alex and Lisa shared. I offered to suck up my feelings. I just wanted space and to be left alone. Ryleigh knew me better though. She crawled into bed with me at night and held my hand and comforted me as I cried.

I wore a dress and went with my grandmother and my mother's brother to make funeral arrangements. It was painful to discuss all the options. I began to panic when they discussed what his wishes were. I felt all the oxygen in my lungs leave my body as I had to rush out of the room. I ran outside to a bench where Jack was waiting for me. Jack didn't chase after me but just watched me as I walked over to him with fragile steps.

"It'll be okay," Jack whispered while my tears leaked from my eyes and onto his shoulder.

"How do you know?" I choked out while Jack brushed his fingers through my hair.

"Because you are the strongest person I know. Well you, Alex, and Ryleigh but don't tell them that they will get a big head and Alex already has a big enough head," Jack said and I couldn't help but snort at his joke.

"There is my beautiful girlfriend," He spoke so careful to me as I climbed into his lap.

I sat on Jack's lap for a few minutes outside until my mother's brother came out. He looked at us with a glare before making a snide comment about me always being the fucked up mistake. There were a lot of hard feelings between him and I. I never got why my uncle and mother hated each other. I know when my mom became pregnant with me he was bitter. I never really had a relationship with him. I know he was offered custody of me and refused it stating I should have died at conception.

"He is just a bastard ignore him Log," before Jack could finish though I felt brave.

"Why do you hate me? Huh? What the fuck did I ever do to you? I didn't see you there with him while he died? I didn't see you there for me when my own mother, your fucking sister, died? Why do you hate me! It's not my fault!" I shouted at him outside the funeral home while the man balled his fist.

"You are just fucking like him. A mad at the world worthless piece of trash. You are a slut just like your mother two, aren't you? How many of them are you fucking? Oh, little slut can't remember can she?" He said as I stared him down as he got close to my face.

"You will never be an Adams girl. You never were," my uncle spoke before slapping my hard and pushing me down.

My body hit the ground as he got into his car and sped off. I sat up as Jack came over to me and began to inspect my face. I felt the taste of iron in my mouth as my grandmother and funeral home director came out talking.

"Thank you, Annie, he would have loved this," My grandmother spoke while I tried to conceal my split lip and bleeding nose.

"Dear you are bleed- Logan Adams is that you?" Annie said and I just simply nodded my head and turned to look up at the cloudy gray sky.

The weather reflected my mood it was very gray and ugly. I was gray and ugly, I didn't see my point or purpose. I knew I had one deep down inside of me somewhere but I couldn't tell you it right off the bat.

"Hi, I am Jack. Logan's boyfriend," Jack got up from his crouched down position to shake hands with Annie.

Annie directed my mother's funeral. It was hard to not remember Annie she had the same bright blue eyes as her son. It was hard when she laid him to rest I knew it. I couldn't look her in the eyes though I knew she wanted me too.

"Logan it's not your fault Tommy died, you know that right?" Annie said as she crouched down beside Jack.

I finally looked into her eyes. They were always brighter then Tommy's that was the one difference between his mom and him. Annie's eyes were bright blue while Tommy's were a little darker. Tommy was more mysterious in that way. It was like you never knew what adventure you were going to get into with him but you knew it would be worth it while Annie made you feel welcomed and loved.

"Logan, Hunny, Tommy wouldn't want you to feel this way. I know it's hard but trust me. I was his mom and there is not a day that goes by that I don't blame myself for not putting up a gate around the pool. I think of you and I would for so long wonder where you were and how you were doing. I wanted for the longest time after Tommy's father and I broke apart, I wanted you I wanted to adopt you, to take you in and protect you from the world," Annie said and finally sat on the ground beside me as she examined my nose.

"Did Robert do this to you?" Annie asked and Jack was quick to let out a 'yes'.

"You and he always did have a way of butting heads like bulls," Annie said and touched my face.

Annie had a delicate touch like a mother would. She stood up and took my hand like I was still a small child leading me into the funeral home bathroom. Jack stood outside the women's bathroom whistling and making small talk with my grandmother.

"He is a good guy Logan," Annie said as she wet a paper towel and cleaned my up my face.

"Yeah," I whispered.

"It hurts to think that if Tommy and I didn't get in that pool that he would still be here. We would both be together and you would have a family still. I am sorry Annie," I mumbled as she smiled and shook her head.

"Logan you have nothing to be sorry about. It was his fate to die young. We were blessed with his presence and love. I knew he would do everything in his power always to protect you and I see a lot of who I dreamed Tommy would be in that young man outside."

I looked at Annie as she threw away the Scott towel before giving me a hug. I hugged her back and kept whispering I was sorry like I had done something else on top of killing her son.

"Don't be a stranger Logan. At one time I was your mother," Annie said as we walked out of the funeral home this time to go back to the hotel.

I climbed into Jack's car and looked at him. I noticed little things Jack did how he drummed his fingers on the stealing wheel and how he always felt the stitching on the steering wheel. I put my hand on the middle console and left it there for Jack.

"When we get back to the hotel do you want to go to dinner with everyone or-"

"I just want to go to sleep Jay. Can we just go to sleep? I don't really want to... to do much of anything right now," I spoke softly as I stared out the window.

I felt Jack grab my hand in his and kiss my hand as I smiled softly watching the sad gray sky roll onward. If only my mood changed like the sky as we pulled up toward the hotel the sky was letting up making way for the sunlight.

I am a shipwreck disaster, a castaway of sorts. You are a boat on the water, sinking and so close to shore. We were made for one another.