Letters and Murmurs

Chapter Forty-Four: Ideally

I finally looked at the photo that I held in my hand and felt a whole new set of tears settle onto my face. I couldn't hold back the guilt I was beginning to feel asking my friends to help me with something I didn't even want to talk about. Jack set on the bed looking at me and watching my every movement carefully. I kept biting my lip until I felt the familiar taste of iron on my tongue.

"Hey, hey its okay," I looked over at Jack as I held this piece of paper in my hands.

"I don't think," I paused then looked at the piece of paper again as the tears overflowed endlessly.

"I don't think I can do it," I sobbed into Jack's shoulder for the first time in what felt like an hour.

It felt weird holding onto my boyfriend who was being so cold. I knew Jack was upset and he was trying to be a supportive boyfriend. He knew that it was my decision and my dad would beat his ass if anything were to come otherwise. Jack also agreed it was my choice. We had some theoretical conversations about kids. Jack wanted at least a boy and a girl. I wanted a boy. I felt like though I had a boy though and he was just out there waiting for me where ever Tobias and Tommy were in that in-between.

"It's okay. I'll be here with you the whole time," Jack whispered.

Jack let his hot breath roll off his lips as he breathed in through his nose. I felt lips against my head as I kept crying. Alex knocked on the door coming in with Ryleigh and Rian. Zack Merrick was probably with my dad and Zack Hall. I was still a crying disaster as Ryleigh was ready to slaughter Jack. Ryleigh knew I never wanted kids. For the longest time, I never wanted kids. I didn't want to become that person my parents were to me or those terrible people I stayed with. I was afraid of not ever being a proper parent to anyone or a family with anyone. I finally cried so much Rian came over and hugged me tightly.

I pulled my body out of Jack's grip and held onto Rian's shirt. I gripped the back of it and sobbed into his shoulder. Rian went and sat at the foot of the bed and I could tell he was staring at Jack while the loud sobs escaped my lips. Alex had seen this earlier and was almost numb or tired of it. Ryleigh, I knew she wanted to ask the question but didn't because it was insensitive.

When the doctor came in with a syringe of medicine I think that is when everything became real for everyone. He and a nurse walked in kicking everyone but Jack out. Jack held my hand as the nurse turned off the IV line they were going to insert the high dose of medication into it then start the IV and let it run for a while. I also needed to be prepared for how much I was going to bleed. The bleeding was going to last for up to 5 days. I nodded listening to all the instructions as Jack gripped my hand tighter. Right before the needle went into the IV I stopped them. I don't know why but I needed time.

"Stop, I don't think this is what I-I want."

"Ms. Urie, we have the signed papers that you wanted if you are saying that you have changed your mind and would now like to keep the embryo, we would then have to draw more blood and-" the doctor said and Jack kissed my temple.

"This is her decision, respect it," Jack said being protective of me. 

I placed the hand Jack was holding onto my still flat stomach. I didn't know what I was doing or how I was feeling. It was like living in a body that wasn't my own. I thought of Tobias and Tommy, I thought of being in the in-between and Sirius. I thought of my mom and dad. I thought of all the guys and Lisa.

"I know I just, I don't know anymore. Can I have a while to think about this?" I asked as I changed my mind.

Jack squeezed my hand telling me it was alright. He knew this was a tough decision and while it was mine it wasn't mine. It took both Jack and I to make this child. It only took a few things to take it away. The doctor nodded and walked out of the room. The syringe was left on a counter and the nurse left too.

"Why did you change your mind?" Jack asked and I felt him lean his body against mine.

"I'm going to sound insane. When I was in a coma I saw Tobias and I talked to him. He-He said there was a baby out there and there was a baby in my, I guess dream state. His name was Sirius and he had beautiful eyes and dark hair. I don't know why but this feels wrong but right. Like I know it's not the right time and like, it just hurts. I don't want to have another abortion. I don't want a baby though. I just want to be Logan. I want to be your Logan and ride this roller coaster of life with you and-"

"You sound like you are asking me to marry you," Jack chuckled out wiping his eyes.

"I think I want to marry you," I said quietly as Jack looked at me dead serious.

"I want to marry you and one day I'm going to marry you. Just give me a year. I need to work up some courage to ask your dad. Logan, I'm going to love you no matter what and if you keep our baby I will be there for you and the child no matter what. It is mine, right?" Jack said a little afraid of me telling him no.

I rolled my eyes before smacking his chest lightly. I saw Alex in the hallway by the door getting ready to knock on the door. He probably had heard something from the doctor in passing about how terrible I am. I looked at Jack as we made faces at Alex who poked his head in the window. I laughed as Alex walked in.

"So, it's done then?" Alex said and I looked down at my hands.

I held my hands in my lap and they were rested closer to my stomach. It was weird I noticed how my elbows touched the sides of my stomach well my ribs. I was noticing weird things now about myself as Jack cleared his throat.

"Alex shut the door because we have something to tell you I think," Jack said and he slipped his fingers into the gaps between mine.

His fingers filled the gaps in-between my fingers perfectly. I filled his finger gaps pretty well too. Alex shut the door and looked at Jack and I leaning against the counter. Alex didn't notice the syringe setting at the other end by the sink as I looked at Jack nodding my head.

"So how does being Uncle Alex sound?" Jake chuckled and smiled widely as Alex looked mildly relieved and confused.

"Pretty good but aren't you- Holy shit you are keeping the baby!" Alex exclaimed before rushing over and attacking me in a hug and a kiss to the forehead.

"Be careful, there is a baby in there, and that is my baby," Jack said being protective of me now and pulled me into his side.

It wasn't much later we told everyone else kind of because we had to. Everyone was really supportive of my decision and it felt right. I didn't know what was going to lie ahead if it would be a struggle or if it would be an easy pregnancy. All I knew is I had a great support group and people who were going to love that baby no matter what.

I felt Jack slip a hand around my waist. This was a normal Jack thing as the doctor came in and told us all the normal things. We shouldn't really announce anything until I was twelve weeks. Then it would be safe. I needed to see an OBGYN about the pregnancy and all this stuff. He asked if we wanted another ultrasound to see how far along I was. I was nervous about it because the first time I was unconscious for it and this time it was uncomfortable. Because I wasn't far enough along for a normal ultrasound. Jack held my hand while I gasped and fought back the tears. There was suddenly a sound that took over the room. It was a weird sound almost like a swooshing sound.

"That is the baby's heartbeat." The doctor said and that was all it took for Jack to fully break down into tears.

Jack kissed me and I looked at him as they measured the baby. I was measuring at about 7 weeks. They printed us off another couple pictures and burnt a cd of the baby's heartbeat onto it. I held it in my hand as Jack had one had rested on my flat stomach and I hand my hand on top of his.

"Hey, you in there. This is your dad and I love you so much and I can't wait to know who you're going to be," Jack said before kissing my cheek.

If only you knew how much love it would take just to meet your face.