My Almost Lovely Little Lady~Like Lesbian Life {M.A.L.L.L~L.L.L.}

Been Awhile

Dear Diary,

I know I haven't wrote in a while, I just felt isolated the past few days and wasn't feeling well, emotionally and physically. I had a cold [not the Corona virus], then came my period and when I'm on my period I'm never really in the best mood. I go from grumpy to depressed to fine, it's now just a thing where I don't know how I feel and when I do feel emotions, it's fake. Just an act. And to be honest, I still cut myself, I'm no different from 8th grade me. I'm still depressed, I want someone to love, which I have, but, it's a guy. And I'm a lesbian, sometimes I wish I was bisexual or heterosexual so I can find someone and not care about wanting it to be a girl.

But, the guy loves me and knows I don't love him like that, yet he stays with me. If only I was able to find interest in boys, maybe then the relationship between me and the boy wouldn't feel so fake. He treats amazing, yet here I am speaking so ungratfully about myself to where he doesn't care if I cut or hurt myself in bad ways. I've been crying a lot lately and it's not his fault, it's  everyone else's fault for being fake and giving up on me, for leaving me in the isolation of my dark, suicidal, empty mind. I'm also missing schoolwork and that never happens, I think that these past days are making me increasingly depressed and empty.

Why? Because the lonely-feeling life I'm living right now, at this moment. I'm going insane to the point where I don't care about death or pain because those things are.....................................................numb, perhaps even hateful and tiresome. I'm sick of everyone and everything, I just want to feel okay. They're there for me, but I don't care enough to notice when I have my depression screaming and repeating one word, "cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.....", and it never stops. I don't even feel like eating, but my mom forces me to, meaning she's pushing me to eat by saying "If you don't eat, you'll die, and I need you here. You're my baby.", or something else to keep me from killing myself. I know I'm crazy and I need a therapist, so there's no need to tell me that in the comments. Oh, and I'm also doing all-nighters now. Again. I can't believe myself, I've totally lost myself and I don't know how or why I did so. Well, I'm gonna go, so I can stop annoying you with my bullshit. Goodnight, and I care about you all, byeee~!! ☻🖤☻