My Almost Lovely Little Lady~Like Lesbian Life {M.A.L.L.L~L.L.L.}

Feelings Outburst

Dear Diary,

It seems like the harder I try, the worst I get. I still fight my urge to cutting, yet always lose in the end. Honestly, I'm just getting more and empty and depressed for as long as I can. I feel like I'm slowly digging a deeper hole as I hide the guilt, pain, darkness, and non-living feeling inside of me. I can feel myself getting worse as the days pass by, like a deadly disease in my mind slowly taking over me. The real me.

So I'll hide away as long as I can, just to keep everyone else sane, just to make sure they stay happy, positive, and many nicer things than the thoughts in my head. I've been going crazy with all the loneliness and heartbreak in the air, living in this soulless building that my family calls "home". But me? I don't think of this as "home", this place is just a building that I'm living in. A place I stay at for no reason, yet no thoughts of running away popped up in this fucked up mind that belongs to a nobody. A useless being falling in love with the wrong people. And socialwise, I have no one.

My friends are as fake as the smiles and positivity I show off, all the while deep inside I'm slowly dying. They care, yet don't bother to talk to me or bring me in their little random conversations. They say I can be loud annoying, but that's fine. It's fine. I never did fit in anyway. As for Shawn, I know he's real, but I don't ever deserve for someone like him to come around the corner of my lonely, loveless life and care about me. With all the shit he's gone through with me, I don't know why he's here caring. I hate that he's staying by my side, I just everyone to leave me alone, so I can be friends with my depression and the broken heart that stays within me. I'm so very unfixable that I bring hate upon myself through the broken minded placement I put myself in. To be honest, I think I locked myself in this place of my mind where things are dark. Very dark.

You'd probably even say I've become psycho if I explained every dark, suicidal thought that has been in my head since seventh grade. But I know I'm psycho, I don't need to be reminded about something that I'd been realized long ago. I know I'm disgusting, I know I'm fucked up in the head, I know I'm crazy, I know I'm loud and annoying, but, I don't care, and if I'm being honest, I stopped caring about what people think of me for awhile now. Then it came back to me and hurt my train of positive thoughts, not physically, but emotionally. It crack my heart so far apart from me that I even lost who I was. I was once so happy and cheerful, what happened? Where did I go? Will everything be okay? I can only hope so with the little bit of faith I have in me.

Alright, I'm going to bed everyone, I hope you're okay. And if you aren't okay, I hope feel better and stay positive, unlike me. Negative, loveless, empty, and dead inside is what I am, so don't be like me. Please don't think your alone, I'm here for you if you guys ever need someone to talk to. Anyways, I'm going to bed now, bye bye people I care about, and I hope you have a nice dight/nay [night+day=dight or nay. lOgiC~¤]!!

                                                                 Sincerely,
                                                                        ¿Toronjil? [My first name in Spanish]